Dictionary For Decoding Women/men

[ZAP]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

Ø 40-ish.................................49.

Ø Adventurous........................Slept with everyone.

Ø Athletic...............................No breasts.

Ø Average looking...................Moooo.

Ø Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.

Ø Emotionally Secure.............On medication.

Ø Feminist.............................Fat.

Ø Free Spirit..........................Junkie.

Ø Friendship first....................Former Slut.

Ø New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Ø Old-fashioned.....................No B.J.'s

Ø Open-minded......................Desperate.

Ø Outgoing............................Loud and embarrassing.

Ø Professional.......................Bitch.

Ø Voluptuous.........................Very fat.

Ø Large frame........................Hugely fat.

Ø Wants soul mate................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø Yes.....................................No

Ø No.....................................Yes

Ø Maybe.................................No

Ø We need...............................I want

Ø I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry

Ø We need to talk......................You're in trouble

Ø Sure, go ahead.......................You better not

Ø Do what you want...................You will pay for this later

Ø I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you

moron!

Ø You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø I am hungry...........................I am hungry

Ø I am sleepy...........................I am sleepy

Ø I am tired..............................I am tired

Ø Nice dress............................Nice cleavage!

Ø I love you..............................Let's have sex now

Ø I am bored............................Do you want to have sex?

Ø May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.

Ø I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.

[Chooka]

Gold Zap, Gold!!

Chooka

[ms700]

Shaz should be here aaannnnyyyy minute now......

[XR06T]

aaaahahhahaha

that's pretty classic stuff

[Flukey]

Funny but absolutely spot on.

[RHR]

Nioce one there Zap

[phantomchic]

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

What do men and mascara have in common?

They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?

They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?

Sex.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do little boys whine?

Because they are practicing to be men.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.

[phantomchic]

3 Things women can count on in life...

1. death

2. taxes

3. men being dickheads

anonymous 12/27/06

[phantomchic]

HERS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window.

3. Asks directions.

4. Arrives at destination.

HIS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.

3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window.

5. Hocks a loogie.

6. Pulls up to a 7 – 11.

7. Gets three hot–dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.

8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

9. Gets back into car.

10. Farts.

11. After he closes the door.

12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7– 11.

13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7–11 said it was.

14. Almost hits a roo.

15. Curses the night.

16. Curses you.

17. Curses the large slurpee.

18. Stops by the side of the road.

19 Takes a leak.

20. Still taking a leak.

21. Almost done.

22. I think.

23. Returns to car.

24. Drives and fiddles with radio.

25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

26. Admits he didn’t want to go to dinner at your sister’s anyway.

27. He hates your sister.

28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

29. He had to look up pernicious.

30. Couldn’t find a dictionary.

31. Finally found a dictionary.

32. Couldn’t spell pernicious.

33. Seethes at the memory of it all.

34. But she is laughing inside.

35. And of course you’re still lost.

[BALLBREAKER]

HERS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.

2. Opens window.

3. Asks directions.

4. Arrives at destination.

HIS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.

2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.

3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

4. Finally rolls down window.

5. Hocks a loogie.

6. Pulls up to a 7 – 11.

7. Gets three hot–dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.

8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

9. Gets back into car.

10. Farts.

11. After he closes the door.

12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7– 11.

13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7–11 said it was.

14. Almost hits a roo.

15. Curses the night.

16. Curses you.

17. Curses the large slurpee.

18. Stops by the side of the road.

19 Takes a leak.

20. Still taking a leak.

21. Almost done.

22. I think.

23. Returns to car.

24. Drives and fiddles with radio.

25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

26. Admits he didn’t want to go to dinner at your sister’s anyway.

27. He hates your sister.

28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

29. He had to look up pernicious.

30. Couldn’t find a dictionary.

31. Finally found a dictionary.

32. Couldn’t spell pernicious.

33. Seethes at the memory of it all.

34. But she is laughing inside.

35. And of course you’re still lost.

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There is a GOD,t Thank GOD your not my wife u just go on an on.