Joke Of The Day

[XRSICKT]

Potential Brides   

I'm pretty sure I've dated Gretchen.

Hey I did too, in fact I think we dated her at the same time, I remember her saying she had to go after we has s*x, nerver trust a good looking bird

[KEN 24T]

GIRL'S DIARY

> Saturday 16th August 2003.

bla blablabla

> BOY'S DIARY

> SATURDAY 16th August 2003.

> Wallabies lost to New Zealand. Got a root though.

Gold!

That's one of the funniest things I've heard in a while ... well done!

[BAXR6T]

Damn Proud Australians

WE, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wa*ker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to b**ch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that

the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the state bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation,

where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and

barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,

sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in

a document defining a nation of half-arsed skeptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect the next?? Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like

cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote.

We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.

Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

You are, I am, we are Australian.

[JJ_Phantom]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire

herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do

neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if

he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could

use somebody to paint my porch," he said,

"How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would

need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,

"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" A short time later,

the blonde came to the door to collect her money." You're finished

already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint

left over,

so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it

to her.

And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch,it's a Lexus."

[turbotom]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm

What sort of horse?', said the owner

'A female horth,' the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.

'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?'

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner

picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

'Nith eerth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?'

With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep

inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a second before

pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that.

Can I see her wun awound?'

[Guest HocuSChrisT]

:lol: Tis true you know

[turbotom]

:lol: Tis true you know

?????

Which one is Kenny ???

[Guest HocuSChrisT]

:lol:  Tis true you know

?????

Which one is Kenny ???

[turbotom]

A heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving equality

throughout the world.............

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked about 10 paces behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that the men now walked several paces behind their wives.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said,

"This is marvellous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?"

> > > > > > >

> > > > >

> > >

> >

> >

>

"Land mines", said the woman.

[KEN 24T]

:lol:   Tis true you know

?????

Which one is Kenny ???

The one on the end with the drink (of course) .... I'm a patient man.