Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

Subject: You can spend too much time at a computer!

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The

man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other

people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do; so for the

next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, and longed for

his old life, while he fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a

rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he saw movement

out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the

most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, rowing directly toward him. In

disbelief, he shouted to her: "Where did you come from? How did you

get here?"

As she brought her boat onto the shore, the woman replied, "I rowed

from the other side of the island." Her nipples pressed against her

shirt as she added, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How

many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing

did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials

that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree

branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and

stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man.

"You had no tools or hardware.

How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.

"On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of

exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain

temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used

that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

"But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach

the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few

minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man

looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a

stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,

the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the

house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.

Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more

coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How

about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted,

and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged

their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something

comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a

razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There

in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle.

Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto its end

inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What

next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines -

strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've

been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely.

There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,

something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She

stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I

can check my e-mail from here?"

[Falchoon]

The punchline should be . "You mean--?" he replied, "I

can log-on to fordxr6turbo.com from here?" :lol:

[XRSICKT]

"You mean--?" he replied, "I

can check my e-mail from here?"

THE IDIOT

[Guest JACKMAN]

Motor Bike

What did he Pull them over for I wonder.. :lol:

[Falchoon]

A guy who has been stranded on a desert island for 10 years

sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's not a ship", he

thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins

to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

In a few minutes a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman emerges

from the surf wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the shocked guy and says, "Tell me, how long

has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years", he replies. With that, she reaches over and unzips a

waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack, he takes

one, lights it and takes a long drag.

"Man oh man!! Is that ever good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a shot of whiskey?"

she asks. Trembling he replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over and unzips a pocket on her right sleeve pulls out

a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig

and exclaims, "That's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she begins to slowly undo the long zipper that runs

down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks,

"How long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and cries...

"Oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[NT TURBO]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[Turbo6man]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,

their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 6:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until six o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bas*ard!

You've been playing golf!".

[Turbo6man]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

[Falchoon]

I just got sent this by a female co-worker...

MEN DO TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

You Just Have to Know How to Listen

New Haven, Conn. (SatireWire.com) - According to a new study, young women speak more frequently and frankly about sex and sex-related subjects than men do. But this isn't true. Men speak about sex and relationships all the time. It's just in code...

Three guys, Bob, Jimmy, and Lewis, are watching a baseball game on television at Bob's house.

BOB: Hey, did you guys you catch that Lakers game last night?

TRANSLATION: I didn't get any last night so I watched a basketball game.

LEWIS: Yeah, it was awesome, especially that 3-pointer at the buzzer.

Same here.

JIMMY: The Lakers are the team. I haven't missed a game all season.

Last night? Try six months.

LEWIS: Hey, change of subject: I finally did it. I bought an Audi TT.

I'm still compensating for the sexual dysfunction problem, and I need to talk about it.

JIMMY: You lucky bas*ard! What did your wife say?

That's tough. How's your wife dealing with it?

LEWIS: Actually, she loves the car. She's been driving it as much as I have.

She's as frustrated as I am.

JIMMY: Did you lease it?

You think it's temporary?

LEWIS: Yeah, but I have the option to buy.

Yes, but I'm worried I'll never get better.

BOB: Meanwhile, I just bought a minivan.

Hey, it could be worse. You could be castrated.

JIMMY: Man, you guys make me glad I'm still single.

It's a good thing I like masturbating.

LEWIS: Quiet guys. Barry Bonds is up. I hope he strikes out.

Does anybody else compensate for their sexual inadequacies by rooting for heroic, muscular men to fail?

JIMMY: Bonds is the best, but he's a jerk.

Since I'm single and don't even have a girlfriend, I'm particularly threatened by his ilk. What's wrong with me?

BOB: Excuse me, but the best player in baseball is Mike Piazza.

Sorry to butt in, but I think I'm *beep*.

LEWIS: Speaking of which, I thought Dave was coming here. He loves baseball.

Speaking of which, where's Dave? Isn't he *beep*, too?

JIMMY: Dave's staying home. He says the new wife won't let him out.

Dave's staying home hoping to get some.

BOB: By the way, I can't go to the game Saturday. It's our anniversary. Any ideas? I wanna try something new.

By the way, I can't go to the game Saturday. It's my annual chance to have sex. Any ideas? Standing naked at the front door with two bottles of beer didn't work last year.

JIMMY: Just get her a card. Always works for me.

Don't look at me. I have problems maintaining relationships.

BOB: Well hell, maybe I'll take Katie dancing.

I'm so desperate it's pathetic.

LEWIS: Dancing? You are such a wuss.

There's a club on 14th Street that plays Latin music. I take Donna there all the time. Very sensual.

Enter Dave.

BOB: Hey Dave, you made it! Sheila let you out, huh?

Hey Dave, you made it! Should we assume that Sheila, like other women, doesn't understand or appreciate the interdependency of physical affection and emotional closeness?

DAVE: What up?

Hi. Have I missed any good boy-talk?

LEWIS: Not much.

Oh my God, well... Bob is having intimacy issues that he's trying to resolve with Katie, Jimmy is having trouble maintaining relationships, and I'm still overcompensating for sexual dysfunction.

BOB: We were just talking about the Lakers game last night.

We were also discussing the sex drought we're all going through.

LEWIS: And Mike Piazza.

Oh right, and Bob is *beep*.

DAVE: Last night? Let me tell you about last night. Sheila and I not only shared mutually satisfying orgasms, but true intimacy. She really concentrated on what she knew would please me, particularly on my nipples, which always gets me hot. It was incredible.

Damn, I missed the Lakers' game. What happened?

[Guest JACKMAN]

35 years and Unmarried. :(

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. :o

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mum,I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing.

The daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied "I'm watching the Football with my son-in-law. :D