Buf-Phoon loitering with intent Lifetime Members 13,318 Member For: 21y 6m Gender: Male Location: Zombie Birdhouse Posted 06/09/03 08:30 AM Share Posted 06/09/03 08:30 AM COW ECONOMICSAN AMERICAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATIONA farmer has two cows.You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more.A JAPANESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cowand produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.A GERMAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.A BRITISH CORPORATIONYou have two cows.Both are mad.AN ITALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows, but you don't know where they are.You break for lunch.A RUSSIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You count them and learn you have five cows.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.A SWISS CORPORATIONYou have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.You charge others for storing them.A CHINESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You have 300 people milking them.You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.The one on the left is kinda cute... Vixen Given the last coupla lines , I trust U R not a Kiwi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aniken I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it Donating Members 4,316 Member For: 22y 1m 30d Gender: Male Location: Sydney, south west Posted 07/09/03 06:25 AM Share Posted 07/09/03 06:25 AM Life before computers:- Memory was something that you lost with age- An application was for employment- A program was a TV show- A cursor used profanity- A keyboard was a piano- A web was a spider's home- A virus was the flu- A CD was a bank account- A hard drive was a long trip on the road- A mouse pad was where a mouse lived- And if you had a 3 and 1/2 inch floppy... you just hoped nobody found out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aniken I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it Donating Members 4,316 Member For: 22y 1m 30d Gender: Male Location: Sydney, south west Posted 07/09/03 06:29 AM Share Posted 07/09/03 06:29 AM The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form.These are genuine responses!! (16 years old and stupid - But we love 'em. They cheer up a teacher's day no end)GeographyQ: Name the four seasonsA: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegarQ: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drinkA: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeistsQ: How is dew formed?A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspireQ: What is a planet?A: A body of earth surrounded by skyQ: What causes the tides in the oceans?A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends toflow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fightSociologyQ: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.Q: What are steroids?A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairsBiologyQ: What happens to your body as you age?A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettesA: Premature deathQ: What is artificial insemination?A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cowQ: How can you delay milk turning sour?A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, theabdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains theheart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,A,E,I,Oand UQ: What is the Fibula?A: A small lieQ: What does "varicose" mean?A: NearbyQ: What is the most common form of birth control?A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominiumQ: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."A: The caesarean section is a district in RomeQ: What is a seizure?A: A Roman emperorQ: What is a terminal illness?A: When you are sick at the airportQ: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellasEnglishQ: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaningA: Hands that judicious can be soft as your faceQ: What does the word "benign" mean?A: Benign is what you will be after you be eightTechnologyQ: What is a turbine?A: Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest VixxenChiQ Guests Posted 07/09/03 03:31 PM Share Posted 07/09/03 03:31 PM AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.The one on the left is kinda cute... Vixen Given the last coupla lines , I trust U R not a Kiwi im korean, adopted to australia when I was really young! lived in Tas and canberra all my life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turbo6man Lifetime Members 4,084 Member For: 22y 4m 9d Gender: Male Location: South Coast NSW Posted 08/09/03 02:25 AM Share Posted 08/09/03 02:25 AM lived in Tas and canberra all my life Ah yes, this explains a lot of things, and I just wish I had such a good excuse ... LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJ_Phantom Member 208 Member For: 21y 5m 30d Location: ACT Posted 08/09/03 05:49 AM Share Posted 08/09/03 05:49 AM A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says:.......................... "Make 'em all ugly again". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest VixxenChiQ Guests Posted 08/09/03 09:27 AM Share Posted 08/09/03 09:27 AM not up to my usual standards. but there mite be a few that you will appreciate in there! :lol: see you!25 Best Herald Sun's Headlines>> 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say> 2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies> 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers> 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case> 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms> 6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?> 7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope> 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over> 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands> 10. Teacher Strike Idles Kids> 11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead> 12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told> 13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death> 14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant> 15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree> 16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half> 17. War Dims Hope for Peace> 18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While> 19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide> 20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge> 21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group> 22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space> 23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks> 24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter> 25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XRSICKT Member 1,032 Member For: 21y 10m 4d Gender: Male Location: Sydney Posted 08/09/03 12:00 PM Author Share Posted 08/09/03 12:00 PM > 22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space He was told to keep them in until he was back in the ship Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJ_Phantom Member 208 Member For: 21y 5m 30d Location: ACT Posted 09/09/03 01:07 AM Share Posted 09/09/03 01:07 AM Bloke comes home from work to find his wife packing a suitcase. He asks her what she is doing. I'm going to Sydney to become a prostitute she replies. Why he asks. Because I can get $800 doing what I do for you for nothing. So the bloke starts packing his suitcase. What are you doing she asks. I'm going to Sydney to he replies. What for she asks. Because I want to see you live on $800 a year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Falchoon I see red Member 5,758 Member For: 22y 2m 2d Location: nowhere in particular Posted 09/09/03 03:03 AM Share Posted 09/09/03 03:03 AM A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch. and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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