Zeke zeke Member 792 Member For: 21y 7m 29d Location: Adelaide Posted 04/09/03 09:22 AM Share Posted 04/09/03 09:22 AM An American, Australian and Japanese are playing golf. All Are CEO's of their own cutting edge biotechnical companies and are keen to show off the latest advances.Suddenly, there's a ringing sound coming from the American. He holds up his hand to his head and has a brief conversation. He then explains to the others: "I've had a minispeaker implanted into my thumb and a microphone in my pinky finger and they both communicate wirelessly with the mobile in my pocket"The Australian then starts ringing, but has his conversation without even interrupting his golf swing. The others look curious, so he explains: "We've taken your idea a step further - the microphone is implanted in my lower lip and the speaker in my ear"A bit later, inevitably, ringing sounds are heard coming from the Japanese CEO. He looks embarrassed and ducks furtively behind a bush. The other two are curious and follow to see what's happening.They're surprised to see him squatting, with his pants down and a pained expression on his face. Seeing them, he explains "Velly solly, please excuse, urgent fax coming through from Tokyo" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest VixxenChiQ Guests Posted 04/09/03 01:44 PM Share Posted 04/09/03 01:44 PM COW ECONOMICSAN AMERICAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATIONA farmer has two cows.You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more.A JAPANESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cowand produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.A GERMAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.A BRITISH CORPORATIONYou have two cows.Both are mad.AN ITALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows, but you don't know where they are.You break for lunch.A RUSSIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You count them and learn you have five cows.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.A SWISS CORPORATIONYou have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.You charge others for storing them.A CHINESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You have 300 people milking them.You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.The one on the left is kinda cute... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CHIPS Great rack Donating Members 1,351 Member For: 21y 10m 24d Gender: Male Location: Geelong Vic. Posted 05/09/03 08:16 AM Share Posted 05/09/03 08:16 AM Very good VixxenCHIQ, :D Welcome to the forum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XRSICKT Member 1,032 Member For: 21y 10m 4d Gender: Male Location: Sydney Posted 05/09/03 12:42 PM Author Share Posted 05/09/03 12:42 PM Cool, VixxenChiQ, welcome and give us more.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aniken I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it Donating Members 4,316 Member For: 22y 1m 30d Gender: Male Location: Sydney, south west Posted 05/09/03 01:32 PM Share Posted 05/09/03 01:32 PM One day Little Red decided to go visit her Grandmother in the forest. So she's skipping merrily down the trail that leads to Granny's.She meets up with the Squirrel and Squirrel says: "Hey Little Red you better not keep going down this trail because the Big Bad Wolf is down there and he's gonna pull up your dress and play with your tit*ies!""Oh no he's not!" replied Little Red.So she keeps going down the trail, merrily. She meets up with Rabbit and Rabbit says: "Hey Little Red you better not keep going down this trail because the Big Bad Wolf is down there and he's gonna pull up your dress and play with your tit*ies!""Oh no he's not!" replied Little Red.So onward she went. Sure enough a little while later she meets up with the Big Bad Wolf. The Big Bad Wolf says: "Hey Red you shouldn't have kept coming down this trail because now I'm going to pull up your dress and play with your tit*ies."She pulls out a .44 Magnum and says: "Oh no you're not. You're gonna eat me just like the book says." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aniken I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it Donating Members 4,316 Member For: 22y 1m 30d Gender: Male Location: Sydney, south west Posted 05/09/03 01:34 PM Share Posted 05/09/03 01:34 PM Three men are discussing how drunk they all were the week before.The first man says, "I was so drunk last weekend that when I drove home I blew chunks in the car. Then I blew chunks in the yard. I blew chunks in the bathroom, and I even blew chunks in bed."The second man says, "Oh, that's nothing. Last week I was so drunk that when I drove home I parked my car in my neighbour's yard, knocked down his tree, and pissed all over myself in the process."The third man says, "I got you all beat. Last week I was so drunk that I met this girl, brought her home and made love to her in bed right next to my sleeping wife."The first man then says, "I don't think you all understand how drunk I really was, 'Chunks' is my dog!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aniken I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it Donating Members 4,316 Member For: 22y 1m 30d Gender: Male Location: Sydney, south west Posted 05/09/03 01:37 PM Share Posted 05/09/03 01:37 PM This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost."It's free, " Peter replied, "this is Heaven."Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with thecuisines of the world laid out."How much to eat?" asked the old man."Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation."Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest VixxenChiQ Guests Posted 05/09/03 01:49 PM Share Posted 05/09/03 01:49 PM hey all. this is a personal favorite!hope you all appreciate it as much as I do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zeke zeke Member 792 Member For: 21y 7m 29d Location: Adelaide Posted 05/09/03 02:07 PM Share Posted 05/09/03 02:07 PM Nice one, Vixxen - haven't seen it B4! Mrs zeke was literally ROFL!Regardszeke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XRSICKT Member 1,032 Member For: 21y 10m 4d Gender: Male Location: Sydney Posted 05/09/03 11:03 PM Author Share Posted 05/09/03 11:03 PM hey all. this is a personal favorite!hope you all appreciate it as much as I do! Bad Dog :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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