Joke Of The Day

[Guest JACKMAN]

PHYSICAL THERAPY

A couple of women were playing golf one saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed

directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed,the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped

his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll

around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise.

She said "Please allow me to help."I'm a Physical therapist and I know

I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

" Ummph,oooh,nnooo,I'll be all right......I,ll be fine in a few minutes,"he

replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. :(

But she persisted,and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,she loosened

his pants,and she put her hands inside.She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "how does that feel?"

To which he replied,"Feels great, but my THUMB still hurts like hell.... :D

[XRSICKT]

Long but worth the read, what some people will do to get that beer cold.......

Cold Beer

Yes, that was real long :D

[Falchoon]

Not really a joke but something to think about.

READ THIS. LET IT REALLY SINK IN. THEN CHOOSE.

Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood

and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went

up to Michael and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive

person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two

choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose

to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood." Each time

something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to

learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their

complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the

positive side of life. "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," Michael said. "Life is all about choices. When you

cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you

react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to

be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you

live your life."

I reflected on what Michael said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower

Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought

about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved in a serious

accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Michael was

released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw Michael

about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he

replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone

through his mind as the accident took place. "The first thing that went

through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,"

Michael replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I

had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I

chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Michael

continued, "..the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was

going to be fine.But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the

expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.

In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting

questions at me," said Michael. "She asked if I was allergic to

anything. 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as

they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."

Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me

as if I am alive, not dead." Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his

doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him

that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about

itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.

After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. You have two

choices now:

01. Delete this.

02. Forward it to the people you care about. You know the choice I made.

[Guest JACKMAN]

Happy day at the zoo :lol:

[aniken]

Happy day at the zoo :lol:

:lol:

[Falchoon]

A husband cuddles up to his wife and says, "Want a quickie?" The wife replies, "As opposed to what?"

[XRSICKT]

Happy day at the zoo :lol:

Damm, if that's his member , its half the size of he's body, go the monkey...

:lol: :lol:

[Falchoon]

"have I mentioned............" .......the pains I'm having going from

Girlfriend V. 5.0? Haven't even finished the migration to Wife

3.0 (versions 1.0 and 2.0 crashed hard), and I'm finding

incompatibilites left and right. I've found, though:

Wife 3.0 will NOT install without the previous versions, even though

it changes most of the programming installed by them.

Despite the uninstalls, Gift.dll never completely gets removed, and is

scanned frequently. If an update to Gift.dll includes an input made

by a previous version of Wife, the system hangs, and may crash.

Wife 3.0 has also increased security responses, scanning for instances

of Mistress.exe, of any version, whereas the previous versions tended

to miss such problems.

Oddly enough, Wife 3.0 changes less in the user interface than the

previous versions, allowing additional programs such as Porn.exe,

Football.exe, and Wine.exe to run basically uninterrupted, only

checking for excessive usage now and again. Still, as with the other

versions, the user interface is stringently restricted to one user,

networking is NOT supported, and may cause a serious system error.

[ducatijb]

1st Degree:

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the

morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone,

listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from

here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said,

"I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."

2nd Degree:

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the

sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the

mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." She hands it to

the second blonde. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says,

"You dummy, it's me!"

3rd Degree:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out

and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she

opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the

blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and

as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts

it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The

blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

4th Degree:

A blonde brags about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly

says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK,

what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy

--

'W'."

5th Degree:

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

6th Degree:

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a

scratch. "Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion

that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?" "Why, yes,

officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world

did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving

along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in

front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I

swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the

right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the

car. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your

air-freshener swinging back and forth."

7th Degree:

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had

been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9

unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer

approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on

the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat

down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come

home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help,

and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

[ducatijb]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go

fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that

promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes

for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking

good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says,

"Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't

you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies

"I did, they were in your tackle box."