Joke Of The Day

[aniken]

Alternative greeting card #2

[aniken]

Local government, Canadian style

[aniken]

Did you ever stop and wonder...

~Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

~Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

~Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

~If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares why is there a song about him?

~Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

~If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

~Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

~Why does your Obstetrician/Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

~Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

~What do you call male ballerinas?

~Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

~If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap why didn't he just buy dinner?

~If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?

~If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables what is baby oil made from?

~If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?

~Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

~Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

~Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

~Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

~Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

~Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

~ why I am yet to be banned from this site?

[richdave]

~Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

~ why I am yet to be banned from this site?

Mine does

andwe can arrange it if you really want

[Falchoon]

Penguins behaving badly

http://www.4humor.com/fv/pictures/pinguin.mpeg

[KEN 24T]

I gotta agree now I am a little older"theres nothing quite like a dickens cider.

Your Grandma ???

Oh please don't let Ken get started on this one ...ROFLMAO

I'll let it slide ... :lol:

[KEN 24T]

~Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

~ why I am yet to be banned from this site?

Mine does

andwe can arrange it if you really want

I'm curious, Cro ... how do you know there's a light in your freezer?

[rjn]

Excuse the formatting, couldn't be bothered........

If Men Truly Ran the World

>

>

> - Birth control would come in ale or lager.

>

> - Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

>

> - Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

>

> - Tanks would be far easier to rent.

>

> - When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you respond with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

> Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"

> You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."

> Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

>

> - People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

>

> - Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

>

> - The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

>

> - It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

>

> - Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

>

> - The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

>

> - "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an

> acceptable excuse for tardiness.

>

> - At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

>

> - Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the

"public ugliness" ordinance.

>

[rjn]

he teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete..He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

[rjn]

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.