Joke Of The Day

[Macktheknife]

A couple of tips for our older male members.

1. Never trust a fa*t

2. Never miss the opportunity to have a pi$$

3. Never waste an erection.

[Turbo6man]

Macktheknife> If I remember correctly there are just three kinds of people in the world - those who can count and those who can't...

[Falchoon]

Nice theory :lol:

[aniken]

Nice theory :lol:

works for me

[aniken]

Office Wisdom

1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

6. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.

7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

10. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

11. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

12. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

13. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

14. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

15. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

16. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

17. There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

18. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

19. If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

20. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?

21. Is your work done? Are all cops fed, watered and ready to fly?

22. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

23. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them

[Zathris]

car stickers

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

CAUTION: I drive like you do !

I get lost in thought. You see, its new territory for me.

I need someone really bad... Are you really bad ?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Hard work has a future payoff.

Laziness pays off now.

Honking is for the geese!

HONK... If You Want To See My Finger!!

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control !

Smiling is contagious. Let's start an epidemic.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

I'm not attracted by a girl's mind ... But by what she doesn't mind.

ATTENTION : Loose Nut behind the Wheel !

Total strangers need love too; and I am stranger than most.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

Don't drink and drive...

You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

I know what you're thinking...

Shame on you !!!

If you voted for Bush/Gore ...YOU must have inhaled !

MAKE LOVE NOT WAR...

(See driver for details)

The more you complain,

the longer God makes you live.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.

Never drink and derive.

How can I miss you if you won't go away ?

CAUTION:

I brake just for the hell of it!

My Hearse needs body parts !

CAUTION :

The young lady driver has delusions of adequacy.

I've been told I'll go far in life

I hope I'm on the right route.

CAUTION :

Driver has donated brain to Medical Science.

[Zathris]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed

through

>>stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer

goods.

>>

>>On a Sear's hairdryer:

>>Do not use while sleeping.

>>(damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

>>

>>On a bag of Fritos:

>>You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details in side.

>>(the shoplifter special)?

>>

>>On a bar of Dial soap:

>>Directions: Use like regular soap."

>>(and that would be how???....)

>>

>>On some Swanson frozen dinners:

>>"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

>>(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

>>

>>On Tesco! 's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):

>>"Do not turn upside down."

>>(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

>>

>>On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

>>"Product will be hot after heating."

>>(...and you thought????...)

>>

>>On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

>>"Do not iron clothes on body."

>>(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

>>

>>On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:

>>"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this

medication."

>>(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if

we could

>>just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

>>

>>On Nytol Sleep Aid:

>>"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

>>(and...I'm ! taking this because???....)

>>

>>On most brands of Christmas lights:

>>"For indoor or outdoor use only."

>>(as opposed to...what)?

>>

>>On a Japanese food processor:

>>"Not to be used for the other use."

>>(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

>>

>>On Sunsbury's peanuts:

>>"Warning: contains nuts."

>>(talk about a news flash)

>>

>>On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

>>"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

>>(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

>>

>>On a child's superman costume:

>>"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

>>(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

>>

>>On a Swedish ! chainsaw:

>>"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

>>(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[aniken]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"

"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.

So the duckrinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right" replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" "That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What the f*ck do they want a plasterer for ?"

[Charliewool]

Micheal Jackson says to wife, Debbie, after giving birth..."How long before we can have sex"?.... Debbie replies.. "For F***s sake give it a chance to walk"!

[Charliewool]

Four things NOT to say in a ghey bar...

1/. F**k me, it's hot in here!

2/. Can I push your stool in?

3/. Toss you for the next round.

4/. Can I bum a *beep*?