Joke Of The Day

[XRSICKT]

Hang out there, you'll never go hungry if you're homeless

[Dagabond]

Starting to understand where the SICK in XRSICKT comes from.... :lol:

[dean.humphries]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[dean.humphries]

The man fights back!! Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead....

Long live the Man of 2002.

Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is.....

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get

your arse down to a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing

down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.It causes unnecessary arguments when we

dare to comment on it.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see

if we can find the perfect present... again.

5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. Saturday = Football. Let it be.

7. Shopping is not a sport.

8. Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!.

9. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.

10. Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing

from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes

you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,

would look good with that particular dress?

12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a

doctor.

14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.

16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first

two months we were going out.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a

subsequent argument.

18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that

bloody chocolate you eat!!

19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are

airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly

not going to deter us from reading them.

20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all

*beep*.

21. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of

these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how

pretty you are?

23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

the commercial breaks.

24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired

and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the

relationship.

25. If you want some dessert after a meal have some. You don't

HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say

"No, I couldn't / shouldn't / don't want any" and then eat half of

mine.

26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit

food as well.

28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat,

warm beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a

good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - erything

else falls under the category 'garnish'.

29. Do not question our sense of direction.

30. All girls wearing tops that are either tight fitting / low cut /

with slogan / with picture etc lose all right to complain about having

their breas*s stared at.

If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level

based on love and mutual respect.

[dean.humphries]

A cowboy meets an indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog don't talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it goin'?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this indian your owner?" (pointing at the indian)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food,

and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the indian)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes

me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."

Indian: (Total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

[XRSICKT]

Starting to understand where the SICK in XRSICKT comes from.... :lol:

Hehehe :lol:

[dean.humphries]

Seeing as you Aussies can take it ....

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for sixdays.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, where were you?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look son, look what I've made".

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?".

God replied,"It's a planet and I've put LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there is a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of white

people in the north and another one of black people in the south."

The archangel then said, "And what's that long white line there?"

And God said "Ah - that is New Zealand - the land of the long white cloud and that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; beautiful - Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast-line. These people here are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving. And I'm going to give them this superhuman, kickass, undefeatable rugby team which will be blessed with the most talented, and charismatic specimens on the planet, and will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance."

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the irritating loud-mouthed wankers I'm putting in the country next to them."

[dean.humphries]

Last one for tonight............

The Teach Yourself Guide to answering your sweethearts questions

 

It is Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger Television.

 

Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says, "Do I look fat?"

 

There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes". "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't matter" means yes.

 

The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't

work, but all the other options are worse.

 

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

 

Consult this handy chart:

 

JUST SAY NO

Is there someone else?

Do you still fantasize about her?

Are you tired of me?

 

JUST SAY YES

Do you still love me?

Do you ever fantasize about me?

Do you like my hair this way?

 

Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or no response. Some of them are more like riddles.

Such as this one: "Which shoes look better?"

 

This raises the question of why she's asking you at all. She knows you don't know which shoes look better, and she knows you don't care, so why is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. Suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you

don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better after all.

On no account suggest another dress. You might as well say, "You're fat."

 

"Where do you see this relationship going?"

 

This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or "upstairs" or "I dunno". She wants a heartfelt expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a toe-curling query like this one

without at least a rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves, I.e. questions that should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation.

 

HER: "Where do you see this relationship going?"

YOU: "Where do you see this relationship going?"

 

HER: "Do you think she's attractive?"

YOU: "Who?"

 

HER: "Will you marry me?"

YOU: "Where am I?"

 

HER: "What if I were pregnant?"

YOU: "Are you pregnant?"

HER: "Why? Do I look fat?"

 

Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that coming. Try a more surreal approach:

 

HER: What if I were pregnant?

YOU: What if I were pregnant?

 

At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love gotta do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is not one of these.)

 

Let's try a math question.

 

"How many people have you slept with?"

 

Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more than 12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less expecting. If the result is greater than 12, then say 12. Let's move on.

 

"Are you saying you want to end it?"

 

Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is, when a woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even if you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question back on her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be. If you are trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the whole painful process again. If you aren't trying to break up with her, then it's best to change the subject.

Let's try something easier.

"Notice anything different about me?"

 

Well, slightly easier. Apart from being a question that is easier to answer wrong than right, it is best treated in an ironic post-modern context;

 

HER: "Notice anything different about me?"

YOU: "New apron?"

 

HER: "Have you forgotten what today is?"

YOU: "Of course not. It's Thursday"

 

HER: "Have you been listening to a word I've said?"

YOU: "That's nice, dear..."

 

Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better questions.

 

Questions such as:

 

"Have you taken a look at yourself lately?"

 

This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do you think you are?", are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you

reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You're not really supposed to answer either of these questions. You're just supposed to apologise for your wanton Self-esteem-having. Instead of apologising, just smile. Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a

kind of revenge all by themselves. Next!

 

"Do you believe in fidelity?"

 

Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue, this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on a specific occasion or occasions.

Your response will also have to be coded.

 

Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:

 

1.

YOU SAY - "Yes"

YOU MEAN - How much does she know?

SHE THINKS - He's hiding something

 

2.

YOU SAY - "It depends"

YOU MEAN - How much does she know?

SHE THINKS - I knew it!

 

3.

YOU SAY - "Why do you ask?"

YOU MEAN - How much does she know?

SHE THINKS - bas*ard!

 

4.

YOU SAY - "I dunno. Do you?"

YOU MEAN - How much does she know?

SHE THINKS - How much does he know?

 

By the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep trouble. It doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't blush when you an answer.

 

Let's look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying. "What are you looking at?"

 

She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?" And you thought you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you've found somewhere else to stay.

 

It may seem easy enough to answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught off-guard, their ability to deceive is impaired. Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked, "What are you looking at?"

 

1. TOO SPECIFIC: "The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of that mailbox on the northwest corner".

2. NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH: "That thing."

3. TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: "A diamond necklace in that window back there that would be perfect on you".

4. TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD: "A see-through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you."

5. TOO OBVIOUS: "Nothing."

6. WAY TOO OBVIOUS: "That blonde babe over there with the big...I mean nothing."

 

Here's one that requires a little interpretation.

 

"Should I get my hair cut?"

 

If you say anything, then when she does get it cut (and let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:

 

"Does it make me look fat?" - You're on your own.

[NT TURBO]

Three Hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa, and the other a Kiwi, are sitting round a

campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall

tales begins....

Sean from New Zealand says, "I must be the meanest, toughest hang glider dude there is. Why, just the other day, I landed in a field, scared a crocodile who got loose from the swamp which ate six men. I wrestled it to the ground... with my bare hands".

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I landed after a 200 mile flight on a tiny trail and a fifteen foot Namibian desert snake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bugger with my bare hands and bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in

one gulp. And I'm still here today".

Bruce the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his pen*s.

[HellionXR6T]

Starting to understand where the SICK in XRSICKT comes from.... :lol:

Hehehe :lol:

Couldn't agree more. The extra wide load in the ford ute seems mild in comparison. Hell at least I gave you all a warning....lol.

That was sick I'll never have onion rings from Hungry Jacks again.

OK try this one. It's an oldie but it's probably something I'd do in the same circumstance...lol.