Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

2012 Darwin Awards

Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [uPI, Toronto ]:

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Expensive Daewoo Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:

A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

[Corzza]

After just a few years of marriage, filled

with constant arguments, a young man and

his wife decided the only way to save their

marriage was to try counseling. They had

been at each other's throat for some time

and felt that this was their last straw. When

they arrived at the counselor's office, the

counselor jumped right in and opened the

floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face

down without anything to say. On the other

hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an

hour describing all the wrongs within their

marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the

wife, the counselor went over to her, picked

her up by her shoulders, kissed her

passionately for several minutes, and sat

her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat

there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was

staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your

wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and

replied, "I can have her here every

Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[Corzza]

A young fellow ran into an old man who

was carrying a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite

two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him

to try it out. The boy took a bite and said

that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it

over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said

that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that

they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something

else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat ***." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told

him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his

mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like crap".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said,

"Turn it over."

[Corzza]

Paddy was walking through a town one

day when he saw a shop with a notice in the

window. The notice said "We sell

everything". Paddy could not believe this so

he went inside. He walked to the counter

and asked the salesperson, "Do you really

sell everything?" The salesperson said "Yes,

everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true

Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper

for a chicken?". The salesperson said "A

jumper for a chicken?, hold on I will have to

check the stock out the back". Five minutes

later, the salesperson returned with a

brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper

for a chicken"

"How much?" asked Paddy.

"Three quid." replied the salesperson.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken -

excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as

happy as larry. When he got outside he

thought to himself that maybe he was done,

so he looked inside the bag. At the bottom

of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the

shop. He screamed at the saleperson "Hey, I

asked you for a jumper for a chicken and

you have given me a condom - whats going

on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry mate, I

checked in the back and we seem to be all

out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was

a pullover for a cock."

[Corzza]

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Queensland & NSW, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Expensive Daewoo every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and **** lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking His head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, '(moderated) him'.

[Ralph Wiggum]

Corzza, can I please formally request more one liners? The internet has ruined my attention span

[Ciaran]

^^^^^^^^^^

This!

First Michael Jackson, then Neil Armstrong.....

God must have something against moonwalkers.

[PookeyMaster]

Well, I like the two he posted above, their length was OK. There was an Irish one a page back I think that went on and on though.

[Corzza]

I will do my best Ralph

[Corzza]

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."