Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them...

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.

So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts

To lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...

Why do you let the bartender do it?'

"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

[Corzza]

"Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.

By the time I was 60, I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be 70 next week, and I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So, what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering

- how much stronger am I gonna get?”

[pkooistra]

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name,

or how you met,

or why they're dead.

[Corzza]

Number :10

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"

Number : 9

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually, sir."

Number : 6

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don't think so sir . . . That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."

Number : 4

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course . . .. We left that an hour ago sir."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . .

An old favourite . . . about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . ..

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy . . .

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . .. . ?"

Caddy: "There's a piece of **** on the end of your club."

The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face . . .

Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end"

[Corzza]

I learned a lot from this. Education has certainly changed.

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL

breed.

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to

drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large

pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and

nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well

endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot

yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A.. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but

brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and

the

abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,

E,I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I

had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like

umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its

meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[Corzza]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man

ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual

Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner

suggested a parrot, named Chet, which

could sing famous Christmas carols. This

seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get

him to sing?" The young man asked,

excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match

directly under his feet." was the shop

owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under

the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing:

"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner

then held another match under the parrot's

right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and

the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy

Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he

paid the shop-keeper and ran home as

quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

When the wife saw her gift she was

overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he

talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he

can sing. Let me show you." So the young

man whipped out his lighter and placed it

under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper

had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle

Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved

the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out

came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then

asked, "What if we hold the lighter between

his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try

it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So

they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and

the little parrot sang out loudly like it was

the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts

roasting on an open fire...."

[PookeyMaster]

LOL, that GED exam one is awesome and terrible at the same time...

[Ciaran]

Those golfer/caddy ones made me LOL literally

[pkooistra]

My favourite sexual position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car to run for her life.

[Corzza]

AUSTRALIAN IDIOT SIGHTINGS.

I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'

The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Maryborough Qld

IDIOT SIGHTING 2:

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in

Ipswich, Qld.

IDIOT SIGHTING 3:

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbour call the local council to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Bauple Qld

IDIOT SIGHTING 4:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Bankstown, Sydney .....

IDIOT SIGHTING 5:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened at Brisbane Airport

IDIOT SIGHTING 6:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged 'co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in the Gladstone P.O. Qld

IDIOT SIGHTING 7:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

Expensive Daewoo Dealership Townsville Qld

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us...!