Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

PROSTATE EXAM

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,

'99'.

The old guy obeys and says,

"99".

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,

'99".

Again, the old guy says,

'99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your pen*s

to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say,

'99'.

The old guy begins,

"One...

two…

three…"

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

You grow old because you stop laughing!

[Corzza]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the

husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she

explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning

on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and

demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the

druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This

morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went

without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I

didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to

break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a

speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat

tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting

for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these

people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then

I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to

make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my

hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing -

when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made

me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on

it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still

ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was

your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well,

Mister, I TOLD HER!"

[sexual harrassment panda]

My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen*s.

She asked me what I was doing.

Apparently heating her dinner was the wrong answer.

[Corzza]

In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.

“I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die”, whispered the priest.

“I’ll see what I can do, Father”, replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I’m IN IT TO WIN IT“.

Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Julia’s hand in his right hand and Wayne’s hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Julia Gillard spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.”

“Amen”, said Julia . “Amen”, said Wayne.

The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same.”

[Corzza]

2 drunks visit a brothel.

The madam takes a look at them & says to her manager "go put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms.These guys are to drunk to notice."

During the walk home, one guy says "I think my girl was dead. She never moved or made a sound" the 2nd guy says " I think mine was a witch"

"Why do you think that?" asks his friend. "well I bit her ass, she farted in my face and then flew out the window!"

[Corzza]

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away."

Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am?I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point in you coming in for that."

[Corzza]

A retired man went into the Job Centre Plus in Bristol and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the Job Centre Plus assistant for details.

The assistant tapped in to the computer and read;

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist.

You have to help the women out of their underwear,

lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,

then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair,

then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

The annual salary is £35,000, and you'll have to go to Birmingham.”

"Good grief; is that where the job is?"

"No -- that's where the end of the queue is right now."

[Corzza]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,

she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching

the world go by from her front porch, with a cat

named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the

fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you

doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have

lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there

anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some

thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.

I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and

I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,'It is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,

'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth

I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful

young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside

her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:

'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the

corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob,

my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental

a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood

before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him

neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,

stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed

in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young

muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off.'

[EFSIX]

A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her brea$t.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your brea$t, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your peni$ is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."

[EFSIX]

Mike was going to be married to Karen

so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.

I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in

this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have

never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family

and I always will.

I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine !

Mike did and said,

'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly.

And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.