Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

When my Doctor asked me If I led an active life I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a deep lake;

Barely escaped from a wild feral Razor-Back Pig in the thick bush;

Marched along a treacherous track up and down a mountain with false

crests;

Stood in a patch of itchy, poison bush;

Crawled out of a pit of quicksand;

And then barely escaped jumping away from an aggressive King-Brown

snake.

Inspired by my story, the Doctor said:

"You must be an awesome outdoorsman!

"No," I replied:

"I'm just a shlt golfer."

[Corzza]

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us ? not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?".

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Daddy. ...I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to any Catholic family, so yer are."

"OK, Daddy-- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque..For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club......... .................. (takes a breath)..... ........ and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean and... ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jeysus! Ye scared me half to death girl!

I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

[Macktheknife]

This horse walks into a bar.

Barman says "hey mate, whats with the long face?

[Corzza]

he inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'

[sexual harrassment panda]

you missed point 4

There is a sewer beside the playground

[Corzza]

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered

that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone

to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After

junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a

lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad

on the mobile. (Woman!!!!!!)

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon

seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap,and

she slapped him again, kicked him in the nuts, pulled on his testacles

and spat in his face for good measure.

People from the neighbourhood rushed around to find out what the cause

of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the

lady said to him when he called.

Junior said "The subscriber you have dialled is not available at

present. Please Try Again Later"...

[Corzza]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a

Christmas fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden

leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his

problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a

note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted

handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden

leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is

offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he

writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he

receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a

monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and

with your bald head you will really look the part. The man

is really incandescent with rage now, because the company

has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing

attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong

letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small

parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald

head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse

and go as a toffee apple.

[Corzza]

FIRST TIME S3X

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

[Corzza]

GOOD

A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.

Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.

(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated

radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160

The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket

book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'

He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.'

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.

He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car

[Corzza]

Aboriginal tribal wisdom says that when you discover you're riding a dead

horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However in business we (you) often try other strategies with dead horses,

including the following:

1. Buy a stronger whip.

2. Threaten the horse with termination.

3. Appoint a committee to study the horse.

4. Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

5. Lower the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Appoint a team to revive the dead horse.

7. Ride the dead horse "outside the box."

8. Buy a commercial off-the-shelf dead horse.

9. Create a training session to increase our riding ability.

10. Reclassify the dead horse as "living-impaired."

11. Kill all the other horses, so this one will look the same.

12. Name the dead horse "Paradigm Shift" and keep riding it.

13. Ride the dead horse "smarter" not harder.

14. Hire outside consultants to ride the dead horse.

15. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

16. Provide additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

17. Do a cost analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

18. Purchase an aftermarket product to make dead horses run faster.

19. Declare the horse is "better, faster, and cheaper" dead.

20. Declare that "This horse was procured with cost as an independent

variable."

21. Get the horse a Web site.

22. Promote the horse to a supervisory position.