Joke Of The Day

[KEN 24T]

Pretty normal stuff, really, Ani ... :D

[XRSICKT]

yeah me too, the sperm story I mean

[Turbo6man]

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope

and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kind Regards,

XXXXXXXX

[Guest]

Turbo6man ,Macca ABC sunday morning,Australia all over has the song of Murphy and the bricks.Funny how its so similar to your true story !

[Turbo6man]

vik351> Yeh, it was passed on to me from a friend of a friend of a distant cousin so .... maybe you'll like this one. I don't know whether it's true or not:-

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bas*ard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and then a peanut, up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, now he measures everything first."

[Dagabond]

There was actualy a short film based on the telling of the bricklayers story a few years ago on SBS's, it's still just as funny reading it now and remembering the images from the film. :lol:

[MISSXR]

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?

Three, if you slice them very thinly.

( yeah she is bored )

missxr

[XRSICKT]

all depends on how big the men are :D

[Falchoon]

Johnny goes from Grade 1

Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of first grade pupils. "Johnny

what is your problem?'

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in

the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough, so she took Johnny to the Principal's office.

The Principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to

answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and

behave himself.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three

times three?"

"Nine Sir."

"How much is nine times six?"

"Fifty four."

And so it went on with every question the Principal thought a third

grade pupil should know.

The Principal looked at Ms Brooks and said "I think Johnny can go to

third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms Brooks said to the Principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The

Principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms Brooks asked "What does a cow have four of that I have only two off?" Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets"

said Johnny in a flash.

"Ok, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"

"Pants" said Johnny just as quick

"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and

contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut"

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?" The

Principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the

answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog

does on three legs?"

"Shake hands, Ma'am."

"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK. First one. You stick

your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up and I get wet

before you do"

Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"Ok, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The

best man always has me first."

By this time the Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But

Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring."

"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,

you feel good"

"Nose"

"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a

quiver."

"Arrow"

"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with a F and ends in K,

and means a lot of heat and excitement?"

" Firetruck, Ma'am!"

The Principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send

him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

[HellionXR6T]

Not a joke but it's a yet another flash game on that InterWeb thing......"D'oh"!

Curve Ball

Enjoy.