Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he

discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies,

"I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 kilos that week.

[Corzza]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee

[Corzza]

Oldie but a goodie:

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine,

inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her

complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to

file a $exual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:

"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

[Corzza]

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt. "How's that?" he asks

"Well, it's a lot better actually" she says, "but............it's still there."

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip,snip.

Out he comes. "How's that?" he asks again more confident.

"That's wonderful! What did you do?" she asked.

"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

[Corzza]

Grandma Driving

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk

if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a

thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought

about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had

changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,

I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and

then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go!

Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those

loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him

yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck

up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was a Hawaiian good luck sign. Well, I have never met anyone

from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign

right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious

experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they

got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I

noticed the light had changed..

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through

the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before

the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after

all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the

Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for

such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon, Love, Grandma

[Corzza]

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:

"I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

" Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered .."Well ... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... ..tentatively said ....

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

[Corzza]

Heaven is Where:

The Police are British,

The Chefs are Italian,

The Mechanics are German,

The Lovers are French and

It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:

The Police are German,

The Chefs are British,

The Mechanics are French,

The Lovers are Swiss and

It's all organized by the Italians.

[Corzza]

TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football game.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all.

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men think they are smarter than women.

[Corzza]

TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football game.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all.

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. She knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men think they are smarter than women.

[Corzza]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"