Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

LIAR!!!

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,

"You're charged with beatingyour wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says,

"You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom,

"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more

outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says,

"I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and

every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[Corzza]

PARAPROSDOKIANS

Here is the definition:

"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a phrase is surprising or unexpected.... frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of 'paraprosdokian'.

Ok, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify....' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory..

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

[Corzza]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was

looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not

far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside

down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate thick shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Corzza]

Julia Gillard was out jogging one morning along the path in Western Park when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the Molongo River below.

Before the Federal Police guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, I want to go to Disney World & Julia said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on in my Royal Australia Air Force plane.

The second kid said, I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Julia said, I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.

The third kid said, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.

Julia was a little perplexed by this and said, but you don't look like you're handicapped. The kid said I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.

[Turbo6FG]

Julia Gillard was out jogging one morning along the path in Western Park when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the Molongo River below.

I just read this bit & it made me smile happily

[Corzza]

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some f*ckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the f*ckin’ French toast."

[Corzza]

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

[Corzza]

[Corzza]

A king offers 3 people half his kingdom and the hand of his daughter in marriage. The only condition was that they throw their watch off a mountain and catch it before it lands. The first man drops it and runs down and just misses it. He falls down dead of exhaustion. The second guy throws it up and jumps down dead. The third guy throws it down, takes his time down, goes to the movies has lunch etc. and come back 3 hours later to catch his watch and he does. They all in amazement ask him how he did that. His reply was "MY WATCH IS 3 HOURS BEHIND"

[Corzza]

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye. After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.

Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer".

The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief, but the day after that Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again. "My goodness Johnny, why the black eye again?"

He tells her: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?... And I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving you know at the same time Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed"... Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?'

Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me.' "