Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home

to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu

that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the

only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also

advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around

the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last

opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate

suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,

"those Aussie b#stards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[Corzza]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed

for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien

addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to

your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at

the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,

there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his

ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do

not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to

do that! I really don't think you should make him mad. 'Rubbish,' replied

the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew

the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about

200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he re focused

his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the

older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near

killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend

and replied, ' If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic

travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his pen*s over his

shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[Corzza]

It turns out that there’s a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning. The reason for this odd behavior is based on Einstein’s famous Relativity Theory. It works like this: it is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you’re moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, any body moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation (apart from dramatic mass increase, which also explains a lot of other things), I.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub. Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: “OK guys, it’s 8 O’clock, I’m gonna surprise the family and get home early!!” However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is canceled by negative psychic radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes: “WTF??!!?? – why is it so quiet?? **** sh*t!!! It‘s half past two!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??” …..and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

I’ve tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except fellow time travelers) has been able or willing to understand the sound scientific basis of this phenomenon.

[Corzza]

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into

a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low,

reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused

hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my

calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was

so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave

a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as

he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my

shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and

expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A

man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what

he wanted. A man who looked into my soul and said . ..

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

[Corzza]

History's top 10 (11) times for appropriate use of the F-word:

11th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my arse!" - Noah, 4314 BC

10th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

9th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

8th - "Holy Mackerel, f***ing Indians!!" – General Custer, 1877

7th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6th - "Where the f*** are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937

5th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

4th - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

3rd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

2nd - "Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

AND ….. just arrived...

The 1st most appropriate time for using the "F" word....

"I'm going to save the f***ing World with my Carbon Tax!!" - Julia Gillard, 2011

[Corzza]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - that's why I am here!"

[Corzza]

Mrs. Smith had always suspected her son, Mike, was having an intimate relationship with his roommate, Jennifer.

One night, Mike invites his mother over for dinner. All thru the night, Mrs. Smith watched Mike and Jennifer interact, and was pretty sure there was more than met the eye. Mike saw his mother watching them and assured her that they were just roommates.

A few nights later, Jennifer went to Mike with a problem.

"Ever since your mother was here for dinner, I have been unable to find the gravy ladle. Do you think she took it?"

Mike replied, "I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her and ask her anyway."

Mike sat down at the computer and composed the following e-mail:

Dearest Mother,

I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains, since you were here for dinner, we have been unable to find the ladle.

Love always,

Mike

Two days later, Mike received the following reply from his mother:

Dearest Michael,

I'm not saying you do sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains, had Jennifer been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now.

Love,

Mother

Moral of the story: Don't lie to your mother!

[Corzza]

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e..g. Fear etc.

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy

covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, 'Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?'

The guy says, 'I'm green with NV'.

The host replies, 'Brilliant - come on in and have a drink.'

A few minutes later, the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body

stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman, 'Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?'

She replies, 'I'm tickled pink.'

The host says, 'I love it, come on in and join the party.'

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes,

Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with his willy stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, 'What the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the

street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?'

Paddy replies, 'Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair'

[Corzza]

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e..g. Fear etc.

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy

covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, 'Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?'

The guy says, 'I'm green with NV'.

The host replies, 'Brilliant - come on in and have a drink.'

A few minutes later, the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body

stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman, 'Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?'

She replies, 'I'm tickled pink.'

The host says, 'I love it, come on in and join the party.'

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes,

Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with his willy stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, 'What the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the

street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?'

Paddy replies, 'Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair'

[Corzza]

If the ABC was Relevant (Part 44) (a John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit)

(The Customer)

[scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. Prime Minister, actually.

John: You’re the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know....... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah....a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model – don’t know why I got rid of him --biggest mistake I’ve ever made…

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake…

Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate – that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: Didn’t stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah – had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It’s a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system – not a good idea. An engine that can’t deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse…

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason – that’s the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery – but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

John: So that’s why you’re here?

Bryan: That’s right. I’m stuck with a government that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the “Cash for Clunkers” scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.