Joke Of The Day

[HellionXR6T]

bit of a game for you all, in case you get bored, makes your clicking finger sore after a while though

Tail Gunner

8325

ouch, finger hurts now

12125 B)

15,425, then I received a call from a client, damn. Need to multitask...lol.

[XR6PSI]

bit of a game for you all, in case you get bored, makes your clicking finger sore after a while though

Tail Gunner

24900 gonna have arthritis after that

[aniken]

Judi, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Judi --the Blonde."

Judi then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Judi opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

[aniken]

A girl is pregnant and just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.> "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

[XRSICKT]

hehehe :lol: this is a good one

[Turbo6man]

Instructions for giving a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and

swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away.

Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away, fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

[KEN 24T]

FAF Turbo6man!

:lol: :lol:

[aniken]

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.

A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"

The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."

The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish."

The sister said, "Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at

the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said,

"Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the

species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." So the Mother Superior said,

"Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother

Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister

caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you

shouldn"t talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the

species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the

Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he

said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you,

I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the

Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

"I LIKE THIS PHUCKING PLACE ALREADY!"

[aniken]

Two recently-ejaculated sperm are swimming along when one turns to the other and says,

"I'm tired--are we anywhere near the womb yet?"

"You must be joking, we're only just past the tonsils!"

[aniken]

HOW TO PISS OFF OTHER PEOPLE (aka Ken's Guide to Living)

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark,17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

10. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

11. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

12. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

13. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

14. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

15. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

16. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

17. Honk and wave to strangers.

18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

19. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

20. type only in lowercase.

21. dont use any punctuation either

22. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

24. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

25. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

26. Ask people what gender they are.

27. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

28. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to seeif they slow down.

29. Sing along at the opera.

30. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

31. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."