Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"And?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey—this one here looks like yours!'"

[Corzza]

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was terrible when it came to counting money and adding up figures.

"Where did you get your financial education?" he asks.

"Yale," replies the lad. The manager is sure he's misheard the man, so he asks his question again and the man again responds "Yale."

That can't be right, thinks the manager. He decides he's going to check it out online.

"And what's your full name again?" asks the manager.

"Yim Yohnston."

[Corzza]

Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking beer while discussing football and NASCAR.

All of a sudden Bill says, "Dad, I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his beer and says, "Son, you better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

[Corzza]

What does a burnt pizza, frozen beer and pregnant girl have in common?

In each scenario there is a DUMB@SS who didn't take it out in time...

[Corzza]

Dear Alcohol,

We need to talk.

I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you.

First and foremost, let me tell you that I am a huge fan of yours. Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed: hidden inside chocolates to warm us up when we are stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

Yet lately, I've been wondering about your intentions.

You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart but I feel that your influence has led me to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review:

1. Phone calls: While I agree that communication is important, I question the fact that any conversation of substance could occur at 3am. Why would you make me call my ex girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me?

2. Eating: Now you know I love a good meal and though cooking is not my specialty, why do you suggest that I eat sausage sizzle, 2 minute noodles, stale crisps and drink Milo with a Kit Kat in my hand is beyond me. I think sometimes you go a bit too far.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you are trying to tell me that I don't have any balance, is it necessary to make me fall down the stairs and cause those black and blue marks that I get the next day? Similarly, It should not take me 45minutes to get the key into the lock of my front door.

Furthermore, these hangovers that you cause need to stop. I'll do my part, drink water, and take Panadol & Nurafen before I go to sleep but please do your part and don't let your hangover interfere with my daily activities. Especially on Mondays.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now and want to make sure that we remain on good terms. You have been my much needed companion when I don't know what to do with the extra money in my pocket. In order to continue our relationship you must carefully consider my above-mentioned grievances and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 5pm (PRE HAPPY HOUR) on your possible solutions and hopefully we will continue our fruitful partnership.

PS. I found my phone LOL

Hahaha.. one more thing that needs to be added on the agenda dear alcohol:

Please stop turning ugly ducklings into beautiful swans at clubs & parties, because I end up taking them home ... then the following morning, when I'm sobered up.. I find a scary beast snoring in my bed... kindly look into that matter as well dear alcohol…

Your prompt response is appreciated in advance,

Regards,

Your biggest fan.

[Corzza]

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes- any handicap he wanted.

He said, 'Just give me two gotchas."

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman. "That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'

[Corzza]

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"

Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"

Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"

Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"

[Corzza]

A newspaper boy was standing on the corner with a large pile of papers, shouting, "Read all about it. Twenty five people cheated. Twenty five people cheated."

Intrigued, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newspaper boy ignored him and went on yelling out, "Read all about it. Twenty six people cheated."

[RegSpec]

A man walked out into the street and hails a taxi going by , he gets into the taxi , and the taxi driver says , " Perfect timing , you're just like Brian ".

Passenger : " Who ? "

Taxi Driver : " Brian , he's a guy with perfect timing , like me coming along when you needed a taxi , things happen like that to Brian , every single time ".

Passenger : " Well , there are always a few clouds over everbody ".

Taxi Driver : " Not Brian , he was a terrific athlete , he could golf with the pros , he could have won the Grand Slam at tennis , he sang like an opera

baritone and danced like Fred Astaire , and you should have heard him play the piano , an amazing fellow ".

Passenger : " Sounds like he was something special ".

Taxi Driver : " Yeah , he had a memory like a computer , he remembered everybody's birthday , he knew all about wine , which foods to order , and

which fork to eat them with , he could fix anything , not like me , I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out , but Brian , he could do everything

right ".

Passenger : " Wow , some bloke then ".

Taxi Driver : " You're not kidding , he always knew the quickest way to go in traffic to avoid traffic jams , not like me , I always seem to get stuck

in them , but Brian , he never made a mistake , and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good , he would never answer back

even if she was in the wrong , and his clothes were always immaculate , shoes highly polished too , he was a perfect man , he never made a

mistake , never ; No one could ever measure up to Brian ".

Passenger : " An amazing fellow , how did you meet him ".

Taxi Driver : " Well , I never actually met Brian , he died , I married his fcukin' widow ".

[Corzza]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.

The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.

On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"