Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity. He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor relented and hired him. The time came when the church bell had to be rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG" as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result of "BONNNGG" . . . and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the job for several months to the delight of the pastor. One day the guy was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his running leap at the bell without first getting under the bell. As he ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within the church filed out and just stared. Finally somebody said "poor fellow, does anybody knows who he is?" To which came the answer from someone in the back . . . "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

[Corzza]

One Sunday morning an old biker entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old leather jacket and an equally worn out bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old biker had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the biker took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it. The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work. As the old biker was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the biker to do him a favor.

"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old biker assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and leather jacket. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back t o our church."

"I did," replied the old biker.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher. "Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He says he's never been here before."

[Corzza]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend

some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch;

sit with the workers; and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and

walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:

"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.. very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back,

"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

[Corzza]

Embarrassing Situations!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

[Corzza]

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.

"Can I come in?" a male voice asks.

"Who is it?" the woman asks.

"It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door.

The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway".

The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?"

[Corzza]

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

[Corzza]

A gorgeous young woman gets into a taxi one day.

On the way, the cabby asks her, "Hey baby, would you screw me for 25 dollars?"

Insulted, the woman asks, "What kind of a girl do you think I am??"

"Well," the cabby says, "If I was a multi-millionaire, and paid you a million dollars, and had the body of a famous movie star, would you do it with me then?"

"I guess I would," the woman says.

"In that case," the cabby says, "Will you screw me for 25 dollars?"

"What kind of a girl to you think I am??" the woman says again.

"We've already established that. Now we're just dickering over price."

[Corzza]

Australia Post have created and marketed a new stamp displaying a picture

of the current Prime

Minister of Australia, Ms Gillard.

The prime minister had requested a recall of the stamps following concerns

that they weren't sticking.

Australia Post recently suspended a recall of the stamps after the findings

of a special Senate Committee were released.

The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes

and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of $1.85 million, a special Senate

Committee led by the leader of the Greens, Bob Brown, presented the

following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.

2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

[Corzza]

One day a man came home from work and told his wife, "Hon, I had the urge to put my thing in the pickle slicer."

"Oh, my God, you should get some help!" his wife said. The next day he came home.

"Hon, I had that urge again!"

"That's it! After work tomorrow, I'm taking you to a doctor!"

The third day he came home all depressed and said, "Hon, I finally did it."

"WHAT HAPPENED?"

"They fired me - and the pickle slicer too."

[Corzza]

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.

But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.

"Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve. "And I was when the bear attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I screamed."