Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said "You're A B C D E F G H I J K."

She said "What's that mean?"

He said "Adorable Beautiful Cute Delightful Elegant Foxy Gorgeous Hot.

" She said "Ooohh that's so lovely - but what about I J K?"

He said "I'm. Just. Kidding."

[Corzza]

A *doctor from Israel says:

*"In Israel the medicine is so advanced *that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them *into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for *work."

**

*The German *doctor comments:

*"That's *nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out *of a person; we put it into another person's head, *and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

***

A Russian doctor says:

*"That's *nothing either. *In Russia we take out half *of the heart from a person; we put it into another *person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for *work."

**

The Australian doctor answers *immediately:

*

*"That's *nothing fellas, you're way behind us....in OZ, *...We grabbed a female spinster atheist, size *34-40-54, with balls, a wooden heart, speaks like *a mortician, bobs her head like a chook, waves her *hands like a ventriloquist, spends money like its *going out of *fashion......and....

*we made her *Prime Minster *of Australia *

and very *soon .....the whole bloody country will be looking *for *work!"

[Corzza]

man suffered a serious heart attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store

clerks called an ambulance when they saw him collapse to the floor. The

paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency

open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the

Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding

a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was

going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the

irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns

are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Corzza]

From The International Council of Man Laws.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Megan Fox starts unbuttoning her blouse.

© After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and

eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits

forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden..

However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At

that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the

score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to

climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent

entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your

girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're

sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and

only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to

kick another guy in the cherries.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies

until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as

much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain

sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,

but not both, that's just greedy.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than

you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if

necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have

carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is

no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs

about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, limegreen, orange, or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'

with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets a PlayStation3. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really

know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the

definition of each is listed below:

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say,'are you

still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of

perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your Wife squarely on

the @ss and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion.

[Corzza]

While making love to his wife, Larry suddenly stops and remains motionless.

Wife: “What the hell are you doing?”

Larry: “I’ve seen dis on a p0rn site…. It’s called ‘buffering’ !

[Corzza]

Another example of the underlying genius nature of men!

Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them.. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope..

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand. ..kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day..

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave.. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer

[Corzza]

AND IN THE BEGINNING……..

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of

Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of

leg.Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband:

"Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when

thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags

short of a camel load, but simply said:

"How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in

between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will

reply telling you who hath the best price.And the sale can be made on

the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with

the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever

having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were

saying,Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also

developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The

People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabeus did secrete

himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of

Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and

prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy

horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the

deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were

going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who

bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with

Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken

over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to

be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic

Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to

locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's

Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.

[Corzza]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can

take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,

'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

[Corzza]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,

But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two **** come together.

I come once-a-more! .

Two ****, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time…'

The lady can't take this anymore,

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!"

She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '…

$50.00 says you're gonna read this again!

[Corzza]

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"