Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??"

[Corzza]

Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.....

Each priest had a small bell attached to his winkie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, James. Poor James.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, James quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up...

.......that's when all the other bells started to ring.

[Corzza]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white

[Corzza]

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books, 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99

Clinton : cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton : Bill is a bullsh*t artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton : Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery

Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton : Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

[Corzza]

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.

She warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said....

Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

[Corzza]

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Randwick) to learn about thoroughbred horses and its supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the restrooms, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the high urinals.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.

[Corzza]

Despite all the horrible things he done, apparently they are having a funeral service for Osama.

Apparently that old fudge puncher Elton john will be there and reports have it he will be doing another cover of that old classic SANDALS IN THE BIN.

[Panda Eyes]

'camel in the sack'?

[Corzza]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50

million tonnes of sand from the arabs and they're going to drill for their

own oil

My mates missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out

for a pint of milk + never come back! I asked him how he was coping and

he said 'Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff'

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my

wife. They said "Is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".

They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said

"I know, but she has a lovely personality"

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. 1st 1 picks it up + says -

blow me I know this face but I can't put a name to it. 2nd 1 picks it up

& says - you daft bastard its me!

After both suffering depression for a while me and the wife were

going to commit suicide yesterday.But strangely enough, once she killed

herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought what the heck

soldier on!

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by

his feet. "What are you doing" he asks. "Hanging myself" paddy replies.

"It should be round your neck" says the guard."I tried that" says paddy

"but I couldn't breathe"

‎

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house - Paddy picks

up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on

doing this until Murphy says "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because

they're upside down!" says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy

"Save 'em for the ceiling!!"

[Corzza]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,

can you believe that?! @ 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."

"forget that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the

biggest p* she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.

They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Spent $40 on ebay last week for a p* enlarger.

Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?