Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

Check this out, a modern topic variation on the Two Ronnies (but now only one of them)

[Corzza]

Recently, NT Police received an email from a resident through the feedback

area on the NTPFES Website titled "Community Policing."

The resident posed the following question;

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually

harass people and get away with it?"

In response a Sergeant from Palmy replied:

First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In the Palmerston and

rural area we average one cop for every 750 people. Only about 60% of those

cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "general patrols")

where we do most of our harassing.

The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the

day to day innocents. At any given moment only one-fifth of the 60% general

patrols are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are

off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 6,000

residents.

When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract

people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop

is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day. Now, your average

eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives a cop two thirds of a

second to harass a person, and then only another 1/3 of a second to drink a

Paul's Iced Coffee AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy

task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day

out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us

narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.

The tools available to us are as follows:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on

a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a

code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some

special harassment. Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a

house." The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like

to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's

licences and the like. Its lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for

nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really

heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are

drunk, or have an outstanding FINS warrant on file.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer.

Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the

scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.

LAWS: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do,

there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks.

They are called "Statutes". These include the Criminal Code, Summary

Offences Act, Traffic Act and a whole bunch of others ... They all spell out

all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you

read the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone

violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw

a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says

that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy.

It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We

seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with

it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the

streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people. Next time

you are in Palmerston give me the old "single finger wave." That's another

one of those codes. It means, "You can harass me." It's one of our

favourites. "

[Corzza]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,

because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one

of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning

with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what

happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and

watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same

thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what

happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the

roof with his snoring I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a

man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man,

what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,

patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and

watched me all night."

[Corzza]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Turbo6FG]

Saw a guy at JB HiFi the other day with a shirt that said:

I'm not a gynaecologist but I'll take a look

Edited 01/02/11 10:49 PM by Turbo6FG

[Corzza]

Fare Enuff:

A stark naked drunken woman jumped into a vacant taxi at the King William Street rank in Adelaide

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab

"What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before? "

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from..."

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

"Well I am bloody-well telling you I am thinking to myself,

where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"

"Heya - Does the words "money box" spring to mind?"

[Turbo6FG]

Dear people who say they're a ninja when they catch things after dropping

them, Ninjas don't drop things.

Sincerely, a ninja

Dear Lady Gaga,

It's ok. I have a st-stuttering problem too.

Sincerely, P-p-p-porky the Pig

Dear old men at the gym,

Wearing short shorts does not make your manhood look any more attractive.

Sincerely, the world

Dear Peter Pan,

Sneaking around a child's bedroom and inviting them to neverland? Been

there, done that.

Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear 16 and Pregnant,

Thanks for helping me feel better about my life.

Sincerely, 21 and single

Dear man in the car picking his nose,

Please realize that just because you are in your car doesn't mean you are

hidden from the world.

Sincerely, I can see you

Dear skin colored band aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely, black people

Dear future employer,

Please ignore those Facebook photos from college. I can explain.

Sincerely, misbehaved

Dear optimist,

That's not a light at the end of the tunnel, that's the train. Sincerely,

pessimist

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just

saying...

Sincerely, Google

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF

happened?!

Sincerely, 1985

Dear girls making kissy faces on Myspace and Facebook, There's a reason

we close our eyes when we kiss. Sincerely, boys.

Dear Cupcakes, The fact that you cover yourselves up with icing says a

lot about your self-esteem.

Sincerely, Muffins.

Dear Cat, Sorry for hoisting you into the air whenever 'The Circle of

Life' plays.

Sincerely, a Lion King enthusiast.

Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed.

Dear Icebergs,Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,The Titanic

Dear Short People, No I don't play basketball, do you play miniature

golf?

Sincerely,Tall Person

Dear shower curtain,

Please never let there be a murderer behind you.

Sincerely,I look every time

[Corzza]

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub barkeep looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.

I'm Pastor Fluff"

The barkeep said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

[xr6turbs]

Some are reposts from Turbo6FG but some are new.... and also include *PART 2*

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear Titanic,

WTF??? You hit me first

Icebergs

Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Yes, it’s quite acceptable for a ginger kid to befriend a geek and a bitch

Rowling

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely, Canada

Dear Canada,

f*ck you, go watch South Park

America

Dear Boyfriend,

I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Spiders,

Say whatever you want. At least she doesn’t eat me after orgasm. Good luck in your next f*ck

Boyfriend

Dear Voldemort,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Michael,

At least I was born white.

Voldemort

Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely, Jack

Dear Jack,

Errrrr….no. Have you not seen the size of my ass?

Rose

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Little Triangle,

You’re just f*cking lucky that we’re on a hyundai

Windshield Wipers

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely, God

Dear god,

f*ck you, you liar, if you liked me then why you put me next to your anus

Saturn

Dear Rubik's Cube,

Done!

Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Colourblind,

Well done, now good luck at the lights

RUBIK

Dear Santa,

Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.

Sincerely, Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger,

Ho ho ho, good one….now go back to your rehab, you whore

Santa

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

I. Can't. Breathe.

Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Balls,

Exactly, We HATE you!!!

Faggots wearing skinny jeans

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?

Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Leonardo

Get real

Martin

Dear Prince Charming,

You've got some explaining to do!

Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty

Dear bitches,

I’ll f*ck the fairy god mother too if it’s in the script.

Prince Charming

Edited 08/02/11 08:39 PM by xr6turbs

[HER-XRT]

Dear people who say they're a ninja when they catch things after dropping

them, Ninjas don't drop things.

Sincerely, a ninja

Dear Lady Gaga,

It's ok. I have a st-stuttering problem too.

Sincerely, P-p-p-porky the Pig

Dear old men at the gym,

Wearing short shorts does not make your manhood look any more attractive.

Sincerely, the world

Dear Peter Pan,

Sneaking around a child's bedroom and inviting them to neverland? Been

there, done that.

Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear 16 and Pregnant,

Thanks for helping me feel better about my life.

Sincerely, 21 and single

Dear man in the car picking his nose,

Please realize that just because you are in your car doesn't mean you are

hidden from the world.

Sincerely, I can see you

Dear skin colored band aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely, black people

Dear future employer,

Please ignore those Facebook photos from college. I can explain.

Sincerely, misbehaved

Dear optimist,

That's not a light at the end of the tunnel, that's the train. Sincerely,

pessimist

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just

saying...

Sincerely, Google

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF

happened?!

Sincerely, 1985

Dear girls making kissy faces on Myspace and Facebook, There's a reason

we close our eyes when we kiss. Sincerely, boys.

Dear Cupcakes, The fact that you cover yourselves up with icing says a

lot about your self-esteem.

Sincerely, Muffins.

Dear Cat, Sorry for hoisting you into the air whenever 'The Circle of

Life' plays.

Sincerely, a Lion King enthusiast.

Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely, Unimpressed.

Dear Icebergs,Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,The Titanic

Dear Short People, No I don't play basketball, do you play miniature

golf?

Sincerely,Tall Person

Dear shower curtain,

Please never let there be a murderer behind you.

Sincerely,I look every time

Dear windscreen wipers,

Can't touch dis!

Sincerely, That little triangle