Joke Of The Day

[XRSICKT]

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are

things

people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing

while

these were all taking place?

I like the last one espicialy...

> > ________________________________________________________________

> >

> > Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to

> >give

> > your wife $775 a week."

> > Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few

> >bucks

> > myself."

> > ______________________________________________

> >

> > Q: What is your date of birth?

> > A: July fifteenth.

> > Q: What year?

> > A: Every year

> > _____________________________________________

> >

> > Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?

> > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

> > _____________________________________________

> >

> > Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

> > A: Yes.

> > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

> > A: I forget.

> > Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've

> >forgotten?

> > ______________________________________________

> >

> > Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

> > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which! .

> > Q: How long has he lived with you?

> > A: Forty-five years.

> > ______________________________________________

> >

> > Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when

> > he woke up that morning?

> > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

> > Q: And why did that upset you?

> > A: My name is Susan.

> > _________________________________________

> >

> > Q: And where was the location of the accident?

> > A: Approximately milepost 499.

> > Q: And where is milepost 499?

> > A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

> > _______________________________________

> >

> > Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

> > A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

> > ________________________________________

> >

> > Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

> > A: After the accident?

> > Q: Before the accident.

> > A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

> > ________________________________________

> >

> > Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red

> > and blue lights flashing?

> > A: Yes.

> > Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

> > A: Yes, sir.

> > Q: What did she say?

> > A: What disco am I at?

> > ________________________________________

> >

> > Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

> > sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

> > A: Would you repeat that question, please?

> > ________________________________________

> >

> > Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

> > _________________________________________

> >

> > Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

> > _________________________________________

> >

> > Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?

> > A: Yes.

> > Q: And what were you doing at that time?

> > A: I resent that question.

> > _________________________________________

> >

> > Q: She had three children, right?

> > A: Yes.

> > Q: How many were boys?

> > A: None.

> > Q: Were there any girls?

> > __________________________________________

> >

> > Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

> > A: Yes.

> > Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

> > __________________________________________

> >

> > Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

> > A: By death.

> > Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

> > _________________________________________

> >

> > Q: Can you describe the individual?

> > A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

> > Q: Was this a male or a female?

> > _________________________________________

> >

> > Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

> > deposition that I sent to your attorney?

> > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

> > ________________________________________

> >

> > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

> > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

> > ________________________________________

> >

> > Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?

> > A: OK.

> > Q: What school did you go to?

> > A: Oral.

> > _________________________________________

> >

> > Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

> > Q: And Mr. Pennington was dead at the time?

> > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing

> > an autopsy on him.

> > ___________________________________________

> >

> > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

> > ___________________________________________

> >

> > Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

> >pulse?

> > A: No.

> > Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

> > A: No.

> > Q: Did you check for breathing?

> > A: No.

> > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

> > began the autopsy?

> > A: No.

> > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

> > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

> > Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

> > A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

> >practicing

> > law somewhere.

[Falchoon]

Apologies if this has already been posted. It's a bit dated now but still funny.

Problem: Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy?

Titanic or The Clinton Video

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullsh*t artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit

CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life

CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ... basically the same.

[saleen]

Husband Shopping Centre

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Booragoon,

where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.

It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive

attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the

door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you

went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never

to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some

husbands...

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further

up? So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are

extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder

what's further up?

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are

extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

Wow! said the women.Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up

they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs,

love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and

have a awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to

prove that women are f*@$%#! impossible to please. Thankyou and

goodbye.

[Falchoon]

Financial News..

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of

its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

[XRSICKT]

Wow, 27 pages of jokes, pictures and real life experiences, I think we may be going for some kind of record here

[Cro]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[Falchoon]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar... Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves tothe green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night."

[Dagabond]

Q. What have a KFC and a women got in common?

A. Once you finished with the legs and breas*s you are just left with a greasy box to chuck your bone in.

Q. Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pittbull?

A. Lipstick

Q. Which is the odd one out?

1. Chick Pea

2. Green Bean

3. Soy Bean

4. Vibrator

A. Green Bean, all the others are meat substitutes...

Q. Whats the difference between men and jelly beans?

A. Jelly beans come in different colors.

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?

A. Very satisfying.

Q. What's green and eats nuts

A. Herpes

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. What is the definition of wicker box?

A. It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

Q. What's a clitoris?

A. A female hood ornament

Q. How is a dick like fishing?

A. Throw back the small ones, eat the medium ones and mount the large ones.

Q. Why do women have breas*s?

A. So men will talk to them.

Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?

A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q. What's the difference between Hard and Light?

A. You can go to sleep with a light on.

[MISSXR]

Two men were hunting in the woods. One just keeled over, and started having spastic movements and then they stopped. The second guy used his cell phone to call 911. he said "I think my friend's dead. what should I do?" and the operator said "Well, make sure he's dead first." there was a long pause, and then the operator heard a gun shot. the guy came back and said "OK, now what do I do?"

[Dagabond]

FAST & FURIOUS McDONALD'S STYLE

(borrowed from the B.W.C.C. forum)

I live my life a quarter pounder at a time. And for those 400 calories or more, I'm free.

I need FRIIIIIIESSSSSS! Two of them. The big ones. Oh, and I need them tonight!!

AMATURES DONT SUPER-SIZE! I'VE SEEN HOW YOU EAT!!! YOU'VE GOT A BIG MOUTH!! YOU'LL BLOW YOURSELF UP!

What's the retail on one of those?? More than you can afford pal, 6-dollar burger!

You're lucky the double shot of bbq sauce didn't blow a seam on your nugget box!!!

Whoa! There she is, 2 pounds of pure MickeyD's beef. My dad ate it in 9.0 seconds flat. There was so much special sauce, the juices actually dripped onto his chin coming off the line.

What's your time? I haven't tasted her. She scares the crap outta me.

My grill topped out at 140 degrees today. I need more charcoal, 2 bags, the big ones

So what're you eatin?! Oh you gonna make me look under the bun and find out??

It's not how you stand by your burger, it's how you EAT your burger.

Bull shi* ***hole! no one likes the McTuna sandwich around here!

You almost had me? You never had me. You never had your burger. You're granny-biting, not double-chomping like you should!!!

Now me and Ronald McDonald here are gonna have to rip open the counter, and replace the ONION RINGS YOU FRIED.

You know you owe me a 10 pack of nuggets. Ooh. Ouch!

Don't do it! I'll bet he's got at least a triple cheeseburger under that bun!

Torretto's got ketchup in his veins and an all beef patty for a brain.

They opened my bag. Disrespected my fries. All because someone narked me out! AND YOU KNOW WHAT!! IT WAS RONALD!!!

I thought we had an understanding? You stay on your side of the play-place, I stay on mine.

Bryan - "Welcome to Mcdonald's, may I take your order?"

Hector - "Yeah, I made a list. I want 3 of everything."

All the descriptions were the same. 3 black Angus beef patties,

precision-placed pickles, Mushimoto mayonaisse.

I bet a couple of 1/2 pound patties would pull a premium three days before Taste Wars wouldn't they?

Check it out, it's like this. If I lose, winner takes my happy meal. But If I win, I take the burger AND the TOY. To some people that's more important.