Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

haha very good @ ^^

[Guest XR09]

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why , got a root though .

[Guest XR09]

A Scottish man in Sydney calls his son in Brisbane the day before Christmas Eve and says,

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams..

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Melbourne and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Sydney immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

[Corzza]

Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In

Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and

Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

[Guest XR09]

The Queen's Riddle

Julia Gillard met with the Queen in England . She asked her, "Your Majesty,

how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Julia frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?"

David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David, your mother and

father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Julia went back home to Australia and asked Wayne Swan, her Deputy Prime Minister the same question.

" Wayne , answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Wayne "Let me get back to you on that one." He wentto his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognised Tony Abbott's shoes in the next stall.

Wayne asked, "Tony, can you answer this for me? Your mother and Father have

a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Tony yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Wayne smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Then he went back to speak with Julia.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Tony Abbott"

Julia got up, stomped over to Swan, and angrily yelled into his face, "No, You idiot! It's David Cameron!"

[Guest XR09]

Dump the male flight

attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female

flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even

serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least

triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And,

of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to

see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't

need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that

we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of

the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be

afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would

come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record

revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right --

a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Obama

think of this? Why do I still have to do everything

myself?

Sincerely,

Tiger Woods

[Corzza]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,

I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially..

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.

'Go get your Mother.'

[Guest XR09]

Well Jeff is pretty peaved at getting K'oed. So he is giving up boxing.

Here he is trying out new forms of employment

[Guest XR09]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant

said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual

assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near

the trees when a man jumped out of the

bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then

he dropped his pants to his knees

and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a

white shirt and he had these two big

long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on

each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a

batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked

that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in

for very long".

[Guest XR09]

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone.

He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when

she bought me an iPad

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch

September came by so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.

That's when the fight started

What the wife failed to recognise is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service