Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[Dagabond]

Bart Simpson's Lessons

A burp is not an answer.

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

Bart Bucks are not legal tender.

Coffee is not for kids.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

Goldfish don't bounce.

High explosives and school don't mix.

I am not deliciously saucy.

I did not see Elvis.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.

I will finish what I sta

I will not barf unless I'm sick.

I will not bury the new kid.

I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

I will not conduct my own fire drills.

I will not do that thing with my tongue.

I will not draw naked ladies in class.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not grease the monkey bars.

I will not snap bras.

I will not torment the emotionally frail.

I will not trade pants with others.

I will not Xerox my butt.

I will not yell Fire in a crowded classroom.

I will not yell She's Dead at roll call.

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

No one is interested in my underpants.

Nobody likes sunburn slappers.

Spitwads are not free speech.

Tar is not a plaything.

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.

There are plenty of businesses like show business.

They are laughing at me, not with me.

This punishment is not boring and pointless.

Underwear should be worn on the inside.

[Dagabond]

Basic Philosophy

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . .. not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred pounds and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty pence ?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

AND THE THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration .

[Dagabond]

One-Liners

-100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

-A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

-A day without sunshine is like, night.

-Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

-Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.

-Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

-Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

-Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

-Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

-For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

-Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

-Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

-Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

-I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

-I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

-I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

-If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

-If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

-If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

-Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

-Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

-Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

-Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

-Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

-Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

-Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

-Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

-The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

-The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

-There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

-Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

-To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

-Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

-What's the speed of dark?

-When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.

-Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

[Dagabond]

Imagine that you are a bush pilot in Africa. You fly in some critical medical supplies and enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital. You're eager to get to your next appointment. It's a stifling 100 degree in the shade.

You return to your plane to find that the only piece of shade around it has become very popular in your absence ... You start calculating the distance to the plane door .... Whad'ya say? Feeling lucky today?

Now open the picture....

[Falchoon]

Good one Dagabond, I really love all those one-liners!

[Falchoon]

Subject: Cat Cleaning Tips

How to Clean the Cat

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on

top

... so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from

inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite

effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible,

and

quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air

dry. Cat will return when hungry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[XRSICKT]

Bart Simpson's Lessons

:lol:

aren't they the one he writes on the chalk board at the beginning of every cartoon?

[XRSICKT]

I was looking for this one for a while, this explains what to do if you're ever pulled over for speeding. :lol: :lol:

A woman is pulled over for speeding by a Police Officer:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don''t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers

please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you

want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his

car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle

the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half

drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and

murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty

trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's

license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse

and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch

purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer

told me you didn''t have a license, that you stole this car,

and that you murdered the owner.

Woman: Oh yes - and I suppose the lying b*****d told you I was speeding,

too.

[XRSICKT]

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him" (NZ rugby

commentator)

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it

was amazing." (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - Horse

Racing Commentator)

"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off !"

Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's

substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in

Seville, 1992)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston

Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is

identical" (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them

serious" (Alan Minter)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball " (John Francome)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing

again" (Terry Venables)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the

Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all

over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the

cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are

at 1500 metres." (David Coleman)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the

field." (Metro Radio)

"and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..." (Sue

Barker)

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Ron Atkinson)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for

even longer." (David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in

football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

"There goes Juan torena down the back straight, opening his legs and

showing his class" (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,

before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses

them........... Oh my God, what have I just said?" (USTV commentator