Joke Of The Day

[exarsixturbo]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "Well that is great, You see now how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[Corzza]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady

at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her

that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her

complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to

file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:

"What's threatening about a co-worker

telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

[Corzza]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweet sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"

I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[Corzza]

Two Dwarfs Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .. UGH!' ... ALL NIGHT LONG. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing.. I just couldn't get an erection.' The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.

[Corzza]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Queensland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a senator in Kevin Rudd's Labour Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.

[Corzza]

A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Maria put up her hand and said, "My family went to my uncle's farm, and we all saw his pet monkey. It was fascinating.

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally shyly raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see lost city and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Janie raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Janie before.

She finally gave in and decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Janie said, "My aunt has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

[Corzza]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great world of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?"

Ah," said God. "That's Queensland, the most glorious place on earth. A land of sunshine, there are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of beautiful rain forests, magnificent islands and beaches, a beautiful reef, the world's finest sportsmen and women, artists, musicians, writers, philosophers, explorers and politicians. There is an abundance of minerals and fantastic farming land.

It is a place where everyone from around the world will come for their holidays to relax and enjoy themselves. The people from Queensland are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in New South Wales and Victoria."

[Dagabond]

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION

1 tab, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work in his cubicle. tab works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. tab never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. tab is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 ; vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that tab can be

10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that tab be

12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum......

The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.

Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[Corzza]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen..

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[Corzza]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'