Joke Of The Day

[FPV6T]

It was the happiest day of my life.

Arrived at the church.

Wife waiting at the alter.

I walked up the isle.

Kissed her on the cheek.

Smiled.

And closed the F*CKING LID!!!!

[Corzza]

LOL!!

[Corzza]

History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word:

10th - "Scattered farking showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the *** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the farking ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those farking Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so farking look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the *** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any farking idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the *** was that big bang?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a farking hole in the head!" - JFK,

1963

AND ... drum roll please ...

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the *** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

[FPV6T]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a gun. He shouts 'this is a raid, get on the floor!' and proceeds to empty the tills.

As he runs to the door with the loot a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.

The robber immediately shoots him in the head and shouts 'did anyone else see my face?'

He spots a man peering from behind the counter so shoots him too.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts, waving his gun about.

After a short silence a voice is heard from a far corner. . . 'I think my missus got a glimpse...'

[Corzza]

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can

cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..

Joe tried

on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $1000

New shirt - $200

New underwear - $30

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Corzza]

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly,

she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says,

'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy,

'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says,

'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'

The father says,

'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'.

'That's four times what they cost when they were new.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says,

'Don't start that (I tried to swear because I'm unintelligent) again you little *beep*, you're in my cupboard now'!!

[Corzza]

80 yr old man: My 28 yr old wife is pregnant, your opinion Doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella

instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the

umbrella, pulls the handle and BANG... The lion drops dead!

Old man: That's impossible; someone else must have shot the lion.

Doctor: MY POINT EXACTLY!

[Corzza]

Man goes to see a Wizard and asks him if he can lift a curse that was put on him years ago?

The wizard replies maybe. If you can remember the words of the curse.

The man replies, sure, "I now pronounce you man & wife"

[Corzza]

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milking'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

[Baddy]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me the Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People...

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father he thinks he understand the concept of politics. In the little boy's own words:

The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The people are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t