Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in

love and due to be married the next day.

Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car!

BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have

to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we

can be married in Heaven?"

"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in

Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the

request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and >ask me

again."

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than

ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a

while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years

and ask me again."

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of

God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time

to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you

may marry!"

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone

thought the bride was simply.... breathtaking and the groom was soooo...

handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...

Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking

so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that

although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there!

And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they

had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground

shook with explosive thunder.

God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and

angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!!

It took us TEN years just to find a Priest in Heaven!

Where are we going to get a LAWYER from?!!"

[Corzza]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Wayne Swan, Julia Gillard and Anna Bligh . They're asking for a $310 million ransom.

Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

[Corzza]

A skinny Irish guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, he looks down and says in a deep voice, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch d*ck, 3 pound left testicle 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The Irish man faints and falls to the floor The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big guy says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch d*ck, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around"!

[Corzza]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

[Buf-Phoon]

@ Krudd the pixie, Wayne Swine and Julia Buzzard. I'll donate a drum of race fuel

[Baddy]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,

Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog..

Then, it was already 01P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,

Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 09 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -

'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'

[ronburgundy]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been

married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided

to amaze our men by greeting them at the door

wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he

found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you..' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was

wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and

mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,

but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,

black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

[Corzza]

A few Mary had a little lamb variants that got emailed to me:

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

It danced in skips and hops,

It danced into the road one day

And ended up as chops.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

It followed her to school,

They tied a brick around its neck

And drowned it in the pool.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

You've heard that tale before,

But have you heard she passed her plate

And had a little more.

MARY HAD A LITTLE PIG

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

[Corzza]

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[FPV6T]

A naked man,looks in the mirror and says to the wife,"why do I always get a hard on when I see myself in the mirror"??

Wife says,"cos your c*ck thinks your a c*nt too!"