Joke Of The Day

[FPV6T]

OH THOSE IRISH

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a Do It Yourself shop.

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'

Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen", you hit her with the shovel.'

[4DZILR]

q: what do you call a dear with no eye?

a: no idear

[Panda Eyes]

did you hear about the paper cowboy who was arrested for rustling?

[FPV6T]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.!!

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[FPV6T]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother

asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a

picture in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the

photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's

eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says:

"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose

look too short." Love, Grandma

[FPV6T]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next

to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I

just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a

special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also

celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they

clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you

celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child

and today my gynecologist told me that I am

pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken

farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,

but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your

chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[FPV6T]

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but .. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmersaid,

'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'.

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won,

So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

[exarsixturbo]

A man wanted to join the Australian Police force .

Sergeant doing the interview said: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he said: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," said the Sergeant, "when can you start?"

[Dillz]

q: what do you call a dear with no eye?

a: no idear

Joke of the year right there!!

[turbo.vixen]

*Rodney Rude Quotes*

Why are women like clouds?

Eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day.

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What’s the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

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A man walks into a petrol station and says,

‘Can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?’

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

‘No,’ says the man, ‘I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.’

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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood

rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am

in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*king big red mark on her forehead.

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I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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Zebu, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a

day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no

brakes.

Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we’ll send you the video, it’s

fu*king hilarious....

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I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating

shuttlecocks.

Bad Minton.

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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate ‘My mother-in-law is an angel’

The reply from his friend......‘You’re so fu*king lucky...Mine’s still

alive...’

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; ‘Fu*k off, you won’t bring it back.’

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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine.

He lasts over 10 minutes.

‘Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!’

‘I get lots of practice’ Replied the other guy. ‘My wife’s an epileptic’

--——————————————————————————————————

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells,

‘you’ve all got 30 seconds to get out!’

The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, ‘you cu*t!’