Joke Of The Day

[turbo.vixen]

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN’T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

[Guest XR09]

Little Johny was about to go with his parents to his aunties place to see her new born baby.

But first his parents sat him down.

" Now you listen and you listen good little John, We are going to your aunties house to see her baby. Now this poor child was born without ears ok, we do not want you to mention or say anything about it ok. Not one word about his ears or your grounded and all privleges will be taken from you for a year."

"OK mom I understand." says little Johny." I wont say the word ears I promise."

So anyway they get there and they are all standing around the cot looking down at this little baby.

All good so far.

Finaly little Johny says to his aunt. "He is such a gorgeous little baby auntie"

"why thank you Johny that's such a nice thing to say" his auntie says.

"Well" says little Johny, " he has ten fingers and ten toes, two arms and two legs."

"Yes" says his aunite " yes he does"

"And such beautiful eyes." saysJohny.

"Yes" says his auntie "he does have beautiful eyes"

"can he see well?" asks Johny

"Yes" says his auntie. "He has perfect 20/20 vision."

"Well that's a good thing" says Johny "he's got buckleys of keeping a pair of glasses on"

[Guest XR09]

A man applied to join the Victorian Police force. ( Australia )

The Sergeant doing the interview said: "Your qualifications all look good,

but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you

can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he said: "Take this pistol and go

out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists,

and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," said the Sergeant, "when can you start?"

[Dillz]

Jay-mee is one of us now...

Classic Pat... Classic.

Gets me every time.

Edited 27/11/09 05:44 AM by Dillz

[turbo.vixen]

[FPV6T]

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum

that she has missed

her period for two months.

Very worried,

the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The

test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing,

crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to

you? I want to

know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their

house, a mature and

distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed

in an Armani suit steps

out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl,

and tells

them:

Good morning, your daughter has informed me

of the situation. I can't marry her

because of my personal family situation

but I'll take responsibility for my

actions.

I will pay all

costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail

stores, a

townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a

$4,000,000 bank

account.

If twins, they will receive a

factory and $2,000,000 each.'

Finally,

for

causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like

to

offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast

penthouse to

be at your disposal at any time.

However, if

there

is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this

point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a

hand

firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...

'You root her

again.'

[FPV6T]

Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided

that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they

went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent

playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before

meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when

she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her

husband in bed with her boss!

Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned

to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with

them.

“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

[FPV6T]

Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.

She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was having a wank and I shot the dog.'

[FPV6T]

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather..

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter

..either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[Dillz]

Yeah that'll do, I've had enough now.

Congrates on your promotion mate, all the best