Joke Of The Day

[Guest Turbo-6]

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

[Dagabond]

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves."

[Dagabond]

Signs that you are no longer a kid (or even close)...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[Turbo6man]

Topical ...

[saleen]

Employment Rejection Letter:

Dear Sir/Madam,

Thank you for your letter of 14 June. After careful consideration I regret

to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment

with your company.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large

number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of

candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in

rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at

this time. Therefore I will start work with your company on Monday 7 July at

8.30 am. I look forward to seeing you then.

Yours.........

[Falchoon]

Good one Saleen! :lol: Could of used that a few years ago.

[Falchoon]

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her electric wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on two wheels and getting up to

maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman is "one sandwich short of a picnic," the other residents tolerate her, and some of the more sporting males actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"Stop," he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on two wheels, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "Stop! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said, "Carry on madam."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Colin stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.

"Oh, no" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!!"

[XRSICKT]

A Girls Prayer:

Lord,

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who says "You're never wrong".

One who thinks before he speaks,

When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,

And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end, And never attempt to

shag my best friend. Amen.

A Boy's Prayer:

Lord,

I pray for a nympho with huge *beep* who owns a liquor store. Amen

[Falchoon]

In the Garden of Eden

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself: "There's something he's needing",

So after casting about for a suitable pearl,

He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breas*s, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth...

Ruined the whole damn thing

[XRSICKT]

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

***************************

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still

getting

the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

************************

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A: SETUP'."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer: "No."

***************************

Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"

Tech Support: ?!%#$

**************************

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can You see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

***************************

Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"

Customer: "A white one."

***************************

Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."

Customer: "How do you spell that?"

**************************

Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"

Customer: "No." (Clicks the button to log on to our service)

Tech Support: "Well then we can't-"

Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."

Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now.

You need to-..."

Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."

Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."

Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

*******************************

Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"

Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

******************************

Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"

Customer: "Pentium."

*****************************

Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

*****************************

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

*******************************

Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

******************************

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print documents,

but the computer won't boot properly."

Tech Support: "What does it say?"

Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."

Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

****************************

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."

Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

****************************

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"

Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"

Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

******************************

A computer illiterate guy rings Tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and It will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The Tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.

Let me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

One hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE