Joke Of The Day

[turbo.vixen]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a

Police Officer sees a car * *puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to

himself, “this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!”

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the

car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and

three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him “Officer, I don’t

understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the

problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know

that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other

drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit

exactly.. Twenty-two kilometers an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly..

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22

was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the

woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error..

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK?

These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t made a peep this whole

time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway

189.“*

[turbo.vixen]

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” Paddy says? “Dat’s easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.

“Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9” says Paddy.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree… “Ere ye go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere ye go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!”

Paddy is the new supervisor.

[FPV6T]

THE PRIEST & THE ROOSTER

I'll certainly get my share of "Hail Mary's" for sending this on but the devil made me do it.

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster

and ten hens

he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass,

he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village,

so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation,

'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up.

'No, no,'

he said,

'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.

'No, no,'

he said,

'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no,'

he said,

'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen

MY

cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

.

[FPV6T]

Today's lesson

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and

started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was

giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's

face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped

Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:

Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story

before you interrupt!

[ronburgundy]

The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so temperamental.

[tab]

So tempted to email that around the office to the half-dozen sheilas that seem to be going through an oil-change right now

[ronburgundy]

Got it from someone in the office - looking at the email, there were no female recipients. Funny that!

[FPV6T]

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist, was in her eighties

and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones,

they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[FPV6T]

Suppositories- GOOD ONE!!!

A woman hears her husband cursing up a storm from behind the bathroom

door. She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?"

Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed

suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter

what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my butt. Even the

doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done - - and

I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there...and it *hurt*!"

"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he

probably wasn't very gentle with you.

Here, let me give you the suppository - - I don't mind."

Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on

his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand quickly and

easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly

lets out a bloodcurdling scream.

"Sh!t!" Says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"

"No!" Cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it,

he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

[arjey]

The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so temperamental.

hahaha I got this the other day at work