Joke Of The Day

[FPV6T]

THREE PINTS OF GUINNESS ...

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness

and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it

... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder

in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home,

we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way

... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my

condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!

[FPV6T]

"THE HORTH WHITHPERER"

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at buying a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So,the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again

and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny,

pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[qikin71]

A Tasmanian man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep.”

[nang3]

I may have already posted it but here we go again;

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar ..... and that's just the first guy !!

[FPV6T]

My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many retirees.....

I lasted less than a day.....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,

mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,

yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings..

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins.

The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?

Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,

I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[FPV6T]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits,

how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from you stupid little boy?

Johnny: Because I've already got 1 fcuking rabbit at home you dumb bitch!

[Baddy]

Two Uni students having a coffee when one of them is complaining of a sore elbow, "I must see a doctor soon, my elbow is killing me" says the first student "Why don't you go down stairs, there's a machine, you pay $10 and it tells you exactly what's wrong with you" said the other. "It may save you a hefty doctor's fee".

So they go downstairs insert $10 into the machine, out comes a plastic cup for a urine sample, pisses in it & puts it back into the machine. Seconds later the machine starts to flash & begins yelling "You have chipped bones & sore muscles in you elbow, need to rest it for 2 weeks!!".

The student takes a deep breath & screams "This is great....I'll give it a real test".

The next day he revisists the machine but this time in the cup he has urine samples from his mum, sister, dog & cat ....&......looks around if anyone is watching & masturbates & comes in the cup & places it into the machine. This should fix it the student yells with excitement. A few seconds later the machine begins to flash & yell out "Your mum has VD, your sister has diabetes, your dog is OK, your cat is pregnant and......if you don't stop pulling yourself, your elbow will never get better".

Edited 25/08/09 04:32 AM by Baddy

[mattyb]

a fat chic walks into a bar and says, if anyone can guess my weight it take you home... som bloke in the corner yells out a tonne you fat bitch... close enough you lucky bastard she says as she drags him away!

[FPV6T]

THE BLONDE PAINTER

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.

So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30pm and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is okay.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb,

and she wanted to do it, by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...,

You'll love this...,

Yep... I know you will...,

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'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS'

[turbo.vixen]

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Denver to Dallas. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”

The boy said, “Yes, she did....” “Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

“Have her explain that to you.”