Joke Of The Day

[Mjay]

a good wife can balance your life

[turbo.vixen]

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.”

The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep!

[Mjay]

Wanted A Wife

A news paper had a humour page with following matrimonials published in it.

BANKER: Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

CAR MECHANIC: Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.

DOCTOR: Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.

DRUNKER: Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

LAWYER: I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.e. Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER: Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities).

There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her.

LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer

[Mjay]

Resume and Mistakes!

Qualifications:

"I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

[Mjay]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"

So the next day, the county workers erected a sign that said

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

But that sped the drivers up even more!

So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything if it would get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up whatever you want."

And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, the sheriff's curiosity got the best him and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw nearly hit the floor at what he saw. There, painted neatly on a sheet of plywood was Farmer John's sign:

NUDIST COLONY: GO SLOW -- WATCH FOR CHICKS

[tab]

The proper way to pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good

Manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,

How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom

At the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us

Your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say : Darling, may I please be excused for a

Moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I

Hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

[turbo.vixen]

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor and

You'll have no clothes to wear if we

don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!

YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!

blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah

blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

[tab]

...followed by

[turbo.vixen]

shhh she might be watchin

[Raging]

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel

Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

Order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her some bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

And slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

You just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,

Well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed

The dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to

The truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The

Wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the

Radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into

Bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,

And whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband

Is out fishing in that?"

And that's sure enough to start the fight ...

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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started..

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license

To verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my

Wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

To go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my

Curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof

Enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

Disability, too.'

And then the fight started....