Joke Of The Day

[Falchoon]

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers

to take any

word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one

letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you

realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that

stops bright ideas

from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of

breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting

laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject

financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who

doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad

vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious

bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming

only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter

when they come

at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've

accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into

your bedroom

at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub

in the fruit

you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as*hole

[aniken]

Fantastic Falchoon

[ducatijb]

Who says we don't live in a democracy?

How true this is!!!!!

Falchoon this shouldn't be in the joke section-this is serious sh*t man

[ducatijb]

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 kilos.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit there in the dark and b**ch.

What have men and floor tiles got in common?

If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk

all over them for life.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are

sensitive, caring and good looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new

dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the

stove and refrigerator.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth

grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

How do you know when you're really ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breas*s?

Her navel.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A Bingo Machine.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was

pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a

retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm

shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at a US Post Office is

flying at half mast? They're hiring.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

breas*s don't have eyes.

Why aren't there any Aboriginals on Star Trek?

Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep

under each arm? A Pimp.

What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an

Australian zoo? A Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the

front the cage, Along with a recipe.

What's the Indonesian National Anthem?

Row row row your boat.

[Falchoon]

This is the reason why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they

aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first

witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since

you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them

behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains

to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper

pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.

Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't

build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the

worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three

different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died!

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both

lawyers to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you

bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

[Falchoon]

Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss. (Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?

[Falchoon]

New Barbie

[Falchoon]

You think you have a bad job?

[DallasQLD]

Mens RULES:

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Check your oil! Please.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

[DallasQLD]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN!

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to

lights, darks, whites, man made or - natural.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the

bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.

Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth,

armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added

vitamins.

Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced

natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red

raw.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that

it's all come off.

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it

waxed instead.

Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and

turns red hot.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of small African country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.

Attack with nails/tweezers (if you can find them).

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to

spend hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN!

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile on floor.

Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting Way Hey!!

Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.

Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch balls and smell fingers for one last whiff.

Get in shower.

Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't need one.

Wash face.

Wash armpits.

Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.

Wash balls and the surrounding area.

Wash bum, leaving hair on soap.

Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.

Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

Piss in shower.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because

the shower curtain was outside bath for whole shower time.

Partially dry off.

Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.

Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off

towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.

Put on yesterday's clothes.