Joke Of The Day

[Turboboy]

I was over eastern suburbs way today and was driving past The Coogee Bay Bay Hotel -- and I saw the new sign out the front .....it says "Come in and try our new dessert menu or just grab a stool at the bar".

[ralfus90]

thought id make my first post memorable...

4 nuns sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat jumps out and flashes them...

first nun had a stroke...

second nun had a stroke...

third one couldnt reach so just sat and watched...

two nuns riding pushbikes down a cobble street when the first says.."ive never come this way before..."

the second says.."yeh its the cobblestones...theyll do it every time..."

4 nuns are waiting outside the pearly gates when saint peter approaches them and asks them to repent their sins..

the 1st approaches and says... "forgive me father for I have sinned....I once saw a mans pen*s."

st pete says.."wash your eyes in the holy water and your sins will be forgiven"

she washes her eyes and wanders through the gates...

the 2nd approaches and says.."forgive me father for I too have sinned...I once handled a mans pen*s..."

st pete says " wash your hands in the holy water and your sins are forgiven"

she washes her hands and wanders through the gates...

st pete approaches the next nun...when all of a sudden the 4th grabs the 3rd by the hair and pulls her out of the way and steps in front of pete..

pete says "MY CHILD WHATS THE PROBELEM HERE??!!THERE IS NO RUSH YOU HAVE ALL ETERNITY !!!"

the nun says..."oh father it is nothing like that...I simply want to gargle the holy water before she sits in it...."

a midget woman walks into the dr's office and says...

doc you have to help me!!!everytime I move I get an itchy vagina and have to scratch it!!!its bad enough ppl stare coz I am short ...this morning I was waiting for the bus on the bench when a nun came and sat next to me...as I shuffled over to make room I got an attack of the itch and couldnt help but scratch...she started praying and everyone was staring and talking about me..you have to help me!!!!

so the doc picks her up..places her on the bench...lifts up her skirt...pulls down her knickers...grabs a few of his tools and has a fiddle...he then places her back on the ground and says...try that and tell me if its better..

the midget walks around the room and starts crying tears of joy..she says..oh thankyou so much doc that is so much better !!!!what did you do?

the doc looks her in the eye and says...I cut an inch off the top of your ugg boots....

plenty more where that came from lol

[turbo.vixen]

No offence to anyone intended, but some are funny.

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister..!'

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My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not f*cking listening'

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Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f*cks off.

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Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

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Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f*cker'. He replied casually,

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your a.r.s.e but you said, 'F*ck off it'll be too painful',

Now, who's laughing?

Edited 07/11/08 06:12 AM by Buf-Phoon
Removed Racist elements

[turbo.vixen]

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack

‘Grumpy, my son,’ says the Pope, ‘What can I do for you?’

Grumpy asks, ‘Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and

answers, ’No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.’

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, ‘Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?’

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, ‘Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?’

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, ‘I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.’

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.....

‘Grumpy screwed a penguin!’

’Grumpy screwed a penguin!’

‘Grumpy screwed a penguin!’

[Turboboy]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted!

[Turboboy]

Four married guys go golfing.

During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:

'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy:

'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy:

'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:

'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf-course or intercourse?'

She said: 'Wear sun-block.'

[Turboboy]

My wife wanted me to make love to her like they do in the movies, so I stuck it in her arse and came over her face. She got mad. I guess we watch different movies?

[exarsixturbo]

I think a bit of wee just came out!! :laughrolling:

[Raging]

Little girl comes running home from school...

"Mum!" she said, "Billy's pen*s is just like a peanut!"

The mother thinks about this and grins to herself.

"What do you mean honey, are you saying its small?!"

"No, its salty!"

[Raging]

I was sitting at the pub just the other day when one of the locals walked in and pulled up a seat beside me.

"You'd never guess my luck" he said, "Just yesterday I was on my way here, and I took the short-cut along the railway line, and I came across this woman tied to the tracks. So I ran over, untied her, took her home and made love to her in every position you could possibly imagine!"

"Aww mate that's great!" I said. "Was she pretty?"

"Dunno mate, I never found her head..."