Joke Of The Day

[Raging]

THE STUTTERING CAT

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the

Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went

'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'f*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!'

The teacher wet her pants laughing.......

[turbo.vixen]

dumb bitch that was good

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy Some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, Orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild In your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one..

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and f*cked a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[tab]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are

only 3 survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple

of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt

absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that

she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a

while, Bob and Toms resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the

inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel

absolutely horrible about what they were doing….

So after one last time, they buried Debbie.

[Raging]

PETER KAY'S ONE LINERS

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the KingstonBypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names

will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand..

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in Francejust called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in Chinacall their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

[our06t]

I like those I just stole the animals made of meat one for my sig

[R-SPEC]

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I love that one. That's Jesus gold haha

[Raging]

Don't ya hate when you go out for dinner, and before you know it the drinks waitress comes over and starts annoying you. I hate that.

THEN, the damn food waitress comes and annoys you. I really hate that.

THEN, the head waitress comes over. I love that.

[tab]

This chap was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he

had a pet.

So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy

An unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a

Little white box to use as its house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and then

decided it would be nice to start the relationship off by taking his new pet

to the pub for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the local

with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him

again," How about going to the pub and having a drink with me?"

but again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up

against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like

to go to the Feathers and have a drink with me"

A little voice came out of the box:...........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ing shoes on !!"

[hafadude]

Some serious financial advice for Ford owners in the attached pic

Financial_Planning.bmp

[Turboboy]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go at a moment's notice 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has unwanted babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away, and if you're lucky get money for them.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.