Joke Of The Day

[Turboboy]

Well my fellow XR6Turboians, it's the new financial year and time to lodge your 07-08 tax return.

But before you do, here is a strange but true story!!!!

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The ATO decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the ATO office. The ATO auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and urinate all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!

************************************

[Turboboy]

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we

all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have

finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner

peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't

finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a

bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle

of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum

scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in

ned ov inr pece.

[ENVY-T]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

[senna_T]

That wasn't a story from your childhood was it Marcus?

[Turboboy]

An oldie but a goodie????

A Mountie stops a driver for running a red light.

The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to

know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells

him of the red light violation.

The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's

ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower

right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the

"Violator" for his signature.

The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points

to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The Mountie says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that

you're an Asshole!"

Two months later they're in court.

The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his licence

and has hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a

reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and

mine, same number at the top.

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket

you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an

"AH," underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir."

Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"

[zx6rblue]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in

Bozeman, Montana,

while awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a

Cowboy on his way to

Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist

Arab student, newly

arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners

learn that the Arab is a

devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table

and tips his big

sweat-stained hat forward over his face The wind outside is blowing

tumbleweeds around, and the

old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At

one time here, my people

were many, but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people

were few,' he

sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from

the darkness

beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .

'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe

it's a-comin'.'

[XRDOSE]

WEDDING NIGHT Honeymoon at Home:

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back

to Fred's Mom and Dad's House for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his

breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his

Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet..

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!

Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up

yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!

Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up

yet?'

His Mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I thin k?'

His Mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I

gave him my Super Glue.'

[exarsixturbo]

Ivan Milat is driving a couple of backpackers to a special camping ground deep in the forrest. As he drives further and further in to the forrest it gets darker and darker and the backpakers start getting worried. One of them says to Ivan "this sure is a creepy place, I really dont like it" to which ivan replies

"yeah and to think I have to drive back thru it by myself "

[tab]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses'.

[XRDOSE]