Joke Of The Day

[Kimberley Scott]

Gotta love those that will sit down and do the rersearch, funny as f*ck.

Scotty

[ms700]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

[XRDOSE]

hahaha gold ^^^

[Chich]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 1

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place

on December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit

Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band

playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And, don't be

surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree

will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at

that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of

gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A

special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

============================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 2

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides

with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on

we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees

who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree

present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for

your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

============================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a non-drinking table ... You didn't sign your name. I'm happy

to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,

"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle

this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are

allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and

executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

============================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the

Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during

daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a

luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'

beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end

of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package

everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile,

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the

dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to the

restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have

to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be

flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking

permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will have

booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those

on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for

those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh

fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"

desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?

Patty

============================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 8

RE: Holiday Party

So, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...? What do you expect me to do,

a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the

burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but

we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's

breaks. Okay???

Patty

============================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 9

RE: Holiday

Party People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO

dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to

be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red

suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or family

feuds over the thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also, the company has changed their

mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get

a notification in the mail sent to your home.

============================================

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All #&$**@ Employees

DATE: December 10

RE: The #*&^@*^ Holiday Party

I have no #&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@

do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your

address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will

be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will

have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this

party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can

sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so

quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$^&*! salad bar. Including

hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes

scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them

scream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk

and die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

The @%&*%$ from #*!@& !!!!!!!!

============================================

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 14

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery

from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to

her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel

our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with

full pay.

Happy Holidays!

[Turboboy]

Doctors Orders

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"Less? Never heard of it."

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."

[Chich]

A horse and a rabbit

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a

mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the

farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but

the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the

mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the

other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car

forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow

again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the

horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched

over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull

yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a

Mercedes!

[Turboboy]

I'll take the mercedes thanks!

[Chich]

A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she

was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy

standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the

rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy

noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be

your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking

at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress,

Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here all alone?

Why don't you go and join those boys playing soccer over

there?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation,

"I'm the bloody goalie."

[Chich]

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately

to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming

outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and

got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old

ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got

out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.

He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with

relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and

wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have

a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what

I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the

bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

[Turboboy]

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term