Joke Of The Day

[Twisty]

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. Then I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.

He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand!

Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loudly did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

[tab]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . ...

"You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, f*ck off."

[Guest]

Noice!!!

[Iconic Bionic]

> > Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

> >

> > Guy Behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

> > Customer says, "Female."

> > Counter guy asks, "Black or white?

> > Customer says, "White."

> > Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

> > Customer says, "What does religion have to do with it?"

> > Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."

I.B.

[chikt]

hahaha funny asssss

[phantomchic]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas," the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered ,

[ETM]

elton john walks into a tattoo shop and says "I want you to tattoo a bently on my pen*s"

the tattoo guy looks at him and says "we better make it a landcruiser with all the sh*t its going to go through" !!!!!

[tab]

Usually ignore crap emails like this....but it actually works!

DAVID BLAINE TEST

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This is creepy!

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Think of a letter between

A and W

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Repeat it

out loud as

you scroll down

..

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Keep going

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Don't stop

..

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Think of an

animal

that begins

with that letter

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Repeat it

out loud

as you

scroll down

..

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Think of either

a man's or a woman's

name

that

begins

with the

last letter

in the

animal's name

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..

Almost

there

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Now

count out

the letters

in that name

on the fingers

of the hand

you are not

using to

scroll down

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Take the

hand you

counted with

and hold it out

in front of you

at face level

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Look at your

palm

very closely

and

notice

the

lines

on

your

hand

..

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Do the lines

take the

form of the

first letter

in the

persons name?

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Of course they

F****ing

don't !

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..

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Now smack

yourself in the head,

get a life,

and

quit playing

stupid

e-mail games!

[Buf-Phoon]

Of course they

F****ing

don't !

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.

..

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Now smack

yourself in the head,

get a life,

and

quit playing

stupid

e-mail games!

Exactly what I was thinking before I scrolled down

[chikt]

Sorry if its a repost

A truck driver is driving down the road and sees a beautiful hitch hiker.

He, of course, picked her up. When she was getting in, he said to her, I do not make

unscheduled stops for any reason. That is my only condition of picking you up. She was ok

with that.

The drove along for about 3 hours without a stop and the girl started feeling the urge to go

to the toilet. She asked the truckie to stop, but he said "I told you, no unscheduled stops"

They drove for another 20 minutes and said to him, look this is getting serious. I need to have a

number 2 and things are getting bad. The truckie said " Sorry, no unscheduled stops".

20 minutes later and things were getting dire and the girl said "Look, I have a turtle head poking out and I am about to sh*t my pants. Just let me out of the truck and I will walk. Just please stop". The truckie replied " Look, I am not stopping, but we are in the middle of nowhere. There is no town for 100 miles, and there is a roll of toilet paper in the glove box. If you want to go so bad, just crap out the window of the truck".

The girl said, "No way am I going to do that". The truckie replied, "That is the only way it is going to happen".

5 more minutes went by and she couldn't hold on a moment longer. She dove into the glove box and grabbed the nugget roll, and poked her bum out the window, and backed a big one out of the window.

Just at that moment, there were 2 council workers working on the side of the road, and the girl crapped all over both of their faces. They were a mess.

One council worker turned to the other as he wiped crap off his face and he said

"GEE THEM TRUCKIES CAN SPIT" - And the second one looked back at him and said

YEAH BUT DID YOU SEE THE LIPS ON THE BASTARD