Joke Of The Day

[phantomchic]

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental

factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tom and Mary listened to the

instructor declare:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are

important

to each other."

He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's

favourite

flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,

"Self-raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Tom's life of celibacy

[phantomchic]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per

hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at

her

and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years,

but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,

Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of

it,"

He says, "because I'v e been having an affair with your best friend, And

she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and

slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house,"

he

says insistently..

Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit

cards

and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This

makes

him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and

smiles. "The airbag."

Moral of the Story :

Women are crazy!!!!

Don't mess with them!!

[aniken]

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

[Dagabond]

What Gets Longer When Pulled,

Fits Between your Boobs,

Inserts Neatly in a Hole

AND Works Best When Jerked?

A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!

[Dagabond]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU!"

[Kimberley Scott]

A duck walks into a bar, quacks a few times, flies up on a bar stool and orders a beer.

The barman politely tells the duck that this is a pub for humans and to go away and not come back.

The next day the duck waddles back into the same pub, quacks a few times and flies up on a bar stool and orders a beer.

The barman tells the duck for a second tim that this is a pub for humans, now piss of before I nail your feet to the rafters.

The next day the duck waddles back into the same pub, quacks a few times and flies up on a bar stool and orders a plate of nails.

The barman walks over confused and and tells the duck, this is a pub we dont have nails only beer.

The duck goes I will have a beer thanks.

[Dagabond]

Economic Models explained with Cows

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL

You have two cows.

You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

[Guest FatBAt]

A guy walks into a grocery store and asked

"Can I have a kilo of tomatoes please mate"

The grocer says....

"Because of the drought, we don't have any tomatoes"

The next day the same guy walks into the same grocery store and says

"Can I have a kilo of tomatoes please mate"

The grocer says....

"Hey weren't you in yesterday, I told you before, we don't HAVE any tomatoes"

The next day.....same again....guy walks into the same grocery store and says

"Can I have a kilo of tomatoes please mate"

The grocer says....

"Hey mate, can you spell tomatoes"

Before the guy starts to spell tomatoes

The green grocer starts to spell

" F.R.I.G"

The guy says

"There's no FRIG in tomatoes"

the grocer says

"that's WHATTA I BEEN TRYIN TO TELL YA"

Cleaned up a bit fer the youngies.

Edited 08/06/07 10:59 PM by FatBAt

[tab]

It all makes sense now!!!

Nine words women use...

1.) Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they

are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five minutes

If she is getting dressed, this means a half an

hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been

given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around

the house.

3.) Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This always means

something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin

with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go ahead

This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) *Loud sigh*

This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal

statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks

you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing

here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the

meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements a

women can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long

and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks

A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint.

Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever

Is a women's way of saying f**k you, buddy!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it

Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several

times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man

asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

[aniken]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"