Joke Of The Day

[Telionis]

George Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Condoleezza Rice are all trapped in a burning building with no escape... who gets saved?

America

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One day, while visiting the Queen of England, George Bush asks her how she does such a great job running the country. Not wanting to explain her ceremonial role in a constitutional monarchy, she just said that she surrounds herself with smart people. To give an example, she asked Tony Blair a simple question. Tony, if your parents had a child that was not your brother nor your sister, who was it? Rather quickly, Mr. Blair said, "it must be me." Excited to try this out, George Bush asked Dick Cheney the very same question as soon as he returned. Unable to answer, Cheney wandered the white house asking various aids, until he found Colin Powell. Mr. Powell correctly answered "it must be me," so Cheney ran to Bush and said, "if my parents had a child that isn't my brother or my sister, it must have been Colin Powell!" Bush angrily replied, "no you idiot... it was Tony Blair."

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I'm not a racist, but, what would you get if you crossed a Mexican with an Octopus?

Heck if I know... but man could pick a lot of oranges.

Edited 16/04/07 02:35 AM by Telionis

[ENVY-T]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".

One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He’s so horney and keen to try out his new ’system’ that he doesn’t think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the ’69’ position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife sh*t on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

[rhump]

A young man is sitting in the kitchen talking to his mother.

"Mum, I just want to tell you that I am gay."

His mother stands there quietly stirring a pot of stew on the stove.

"Mum, did you hear me? I told you that I am gay."

She turns to him and askes "So you give oral sex to other men, right?"

He says "Yes, sometimes."

After smacking him real hard on the head, she says "Well, you better not complain about my cooking ever again!!!!"

[Turbo6man]

Political correctness

"Political correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional illogical

liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous liberal press;

which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up

a turd by the clean end"

[Turbo6man]

Rocket launches from Houston to mars with 2 monkeys & a woman.

Houston calls 1st monkey: adjust oxygen 20 per cent, stop radar, phase to

warp factor 3;

Monkey 1 : OK Done

Houston to 2nd monkey: switch off engine 3 & start radiation shield, adjust

anti-gravitational throttle:

Monkey 2: OK Done

Houston to woman: Feed the monkeys & don't f*cking touch anything

[Turbo6man]

The Scotsman and the Dentist

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth

extraction.

"£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an

anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the

Price could drop to £40".

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the

extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5.

But it's going to be very traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye

Confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

[Turbo6man]

Daddy longlegs

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of

nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two Daddy longlegs' mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the one on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question

he replied "No dear. both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then

took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that poofter sh*t in our garden" she said

[Blonk]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and

walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I

have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it

there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and

Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs or Iranians. My son is very upset

and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush cracked his famous little grin, leaned toward the

Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place

in the future."

[Dagabond]

A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled

LSD?"

Granny: "F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

[aniken]

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank in a panic and shoots her three times in the abdomen. Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because they aren't causing any problems and it's too risky to operate. A few months later she gives birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the Mom, "I know what happened... you were going to the toilet and a bullet came out...?" "No," says the boy, "I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"