Joke Of The Day

[RHR]

A blonde's Year in Review

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March

Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....

box said "2-4 years!"

April

Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of

water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,

the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....

car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October

Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour

per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

[RHR]

Not really a joke but pretty good

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO, HE IS THE MARICOPA

COUNTY SHERIFF ( ARIZONA ) AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

These are some of the reasons why:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio created the "tent city jail" to save Arizona from

spending tens of million of dollars on another expensive prison complex.

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for

them.

He banned smoking and porno magazines in the jails, and took away their

weightlifting equipment and cut off all but "G" movies. He says: "they're in

jail to pay a debt to society not to build muscles so they can assault

innocent people when they leave."

He started chain gangs to use the inmates to do free work on county and city

projects and save taxpayer's money.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for

discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order

that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but

only allows the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied: "so these morons will know

how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs."

He cut off coffee because it has zero nutritional value and is therefore a

waste of taxpayer money. When the inmates complained, he told them, "This

isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."

He also bought the Newt Gingrich lecture series on US history that he pipes

into the jails. When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a

Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series that actually tells

the truth for a change would be welcome and that it might even explain why

95% of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just

set a new record for June 2nd), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000

inmates living in a barbed- wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa

County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their

government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing pink boxer shorts were chatting in the

tents, where temperatures reached 128 degrees. "This is hell. It feels like

we live in a furnace," said Ernesto Gonzales, an inmate for 2

years with 10 more to go. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, who makes his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches,

is not one bit sympathetic. "Criminals should be punished for their crimes -

not live in luxury until it's time for parole, only to go out and commit

more crimes so they can come back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy

things many taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves."

Wednesday he told all the inmates who were complaining of the heat in the

tents: "It's between 120 to 130 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living

in tents too, and they have to walk all day in the sun, wearing full

battle gear and get shot at, and they have not committed any crimes, so shut

your damned mouths!"

Way to go, Sheriff! If all prisons were like yours there would be a lot less

crime and we would not be in the current position of running out of prison spaces

[RHR]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the ward, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. Oh, good grief, "cried Ethel, "not the breathalyser test again!"

[Buf-Phoon]

A major storm hit the Hills District in the early hours of Sunday. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Oh my gosh".

The storm decimated the area causing damage to garden gnomes and cheap water features purchased from Bunning’s. Many locals were woken at 4.00am more than an half an hour before their children’s usual drop off time at the day care centres.

The Hills Times reported that hundreds of residents were angered and still trying to come to terms with the fact that they were not notified personally by the Director from the Bureau of Meteorology prior to the storm occurring.

One resident – Sarah Winthorpe-Wong a 49 year-old mother of 2.5 said, "It was such a shock, my little 3 year old Charles Rupert came running into my bedroom crying and blaming the Labour party for the disaster. My youngest, one year old Penelope Edith slept through it all – although it was probably due to the schnapps I put in her milk bottle."

Apparently snobbery, mortgage re-financing and driveway hosing were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of medium priced Queen Adelaide merlot to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including pirated designer clothing, Crystal Springs water bottles filled with recycled sewage water, overdue credit card statements, Human Nature CD’s and liberal party membership cards.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for piano lessons, outrageous mortgage payments and weekend getaways to Katoomba.

**Breaking news**

The Hills local theatre group has cancelled their local production of "Bedazzled" due to their inability to find anyone with a sole.

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Hills area. It may cause them to think they have friends.

[mbjunior99]

[hafadude]

A wife's letter...........................Make sure you read all the way to the P.S.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the ute when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from K-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the ute fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

XXX

See the picture and then, Scroll on down................................

Garage_Picture.bmp

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

Edited 18/02/07 11:45 AM by hafadude

[mbjunior99]

Oh man that would suck! Not the ferrari

[Dagabond]

The Book Report....

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart arse student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99

Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton: Monica.....ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

[RHR]

7 reasons

not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;

it was physically impossible.

The little girl said,

"When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked,

"What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said,

"But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,

"They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked,

"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,

"Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,

"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied,

"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,

"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,

'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or

'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,

"And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note,

"Take all you want.

God is watching the apples.

[RHR]

Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known

you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he

was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is

one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his

wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know

him." The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both attorney's to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots ask her does she know me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."