Joke Of The Day

[axw01]

A Gift For His Sweetheart

This may be considered to be a bit rude.....

A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. So he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here's the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart.

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are a delicate shade, the lasy I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had the salesgirl try them on for me and she really looked smart.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they won't shrink.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

PS. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

[Falchoon]

Two priests were in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looked at the other one's pen*s and noticed that there was a

Nicabate patch on it.

He turned to the priest and said, "I believe your supposed to put the patch

on your arm or shoulder, not your pen*s."

The other one replied, "It's working just fine thank you. I'm down to two

butts a day."

[NT TURBO]

Two buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and

says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after

we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the

driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes

off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs and get undressed in

the

bathroom. I ease into bed, and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for

staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong

approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,

throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and

yell, 'You as horny as I am?!?'... and she always acts like she's sound

asleep!"

[HellionXR6T]

Hahahahaha, cop this one, lol! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and

slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over

forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and

suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she

yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned

myself to the floor"

she said.

"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck

fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way.

We can't do it" Cobba said "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break

the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here

and play with her t*its."

"Play with her t*its"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time

for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet

enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles

aren't so expensive".

[HellionXR6T]

OMG!!!!! If this is not a nominee for the 'Darwin Awards', I don't know what is.

Be careful, it is rather graphical, you have been warned!!!

[Turbo6man]

It’s Sunday morning and Fred gets up and goes out front to get his paper. As he picks up the paper from the front lawn he sees a gorilla up in the branches of a big gum tree on his footpath. He blinks and rubs his eyes but sure enough when he looks again it IS a gorilla up in the tree.

He goes inside and rings the cops saying, “I know you aren’t going to believe me but there is a gorilla in the gum tree on the footpath in front of my house”. The cops

actually do believe him as there has been a report from the zoo that a gorilla escaped last night. They get his address and tell him someone will be around to collect the gorilla.

Ten minutes pass and then a truck pulls up out front; a guy gets out leading a pitbull terrier and carrying a baseball bat, a shotgun and a pair of handcuffs.

Fred asks him about the equipment and how he intends to catch the gorilla to which he receives this reply, “I’m climbing up the tree with the baseball bat and I will knock the gorilla out of the tree. As soon as he hits the ground the pitbull will go for his nuts and then it is your job to quickly put the handcuffs on the gorilla”.

Fred ponders the plan and then asks, “But what about the shotgun”?

He is told, “You will have the shotgun ... if it happens that I fall out of the tree before the gorilla you use it to shoot the pitbull”!!!

[Falchoon]

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bas*ard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f*cking bas*ard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bas*ard and every time I asked to borrow a f*cking spanner he said he didn't have one!"

[Falchoon]

Other people can post jokes too, not just me...

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a

double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on

the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,

and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time

downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

[Dagabond]

9pages Falchoon your not alone

Oldie:

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair cut prior to a vacation in Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? Italy's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"Were taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.

Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always

late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called

Teste..."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be

something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel

in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're

overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people

trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this

lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman ran into the hairdresser on the street. The

hairdresser asked her about her vacation in Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "we not only flew on one of

Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me! The hotel was marvelous, they'd just finished a $5-million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "

"Oh, really...what'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the sh*tty hair cut?"

[Falchoon]

Cosmo for married woman...