Joke Of The Day

[Guest newl]

If I've got a cricket ball in one hand and a cricket ball in the other, what have I got?

A bloody big cricket!

[Buf-Phoon]

New Words for 2007

* SALAD DODGER.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.

Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD.

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McSH I T.

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McSh Sh*it with Lies.

* 404.

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, I.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH.

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

* MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am.

* BEER COMPASS.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

[tab]

Virus warning - almost up there with the Billy Connolly chain email

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank!

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink aLL your beer.! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!

[Guest newl]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beert1ts," he said.

[RHR]

Some people are like slinkies

Not really good for anything

But they bring a smile to your face

when you push them down a flight of stairs

[RHR]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked

ou at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps

your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,

you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and

growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar

detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector

unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit,

woman, can't you keep

your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your

seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but I took it

off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back

pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your

seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns

to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always

talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"""""""""""I love this part.... """""""""""""""""

"Only when he's been drinking."

[phantomchic]

onya revhead

[HellionXR6T]

Oh that's golden, already got a huge response 'round the office...lol.

Makes me feel lucky I'm divorced...lol.

[tmac450]

Two bits of string walk into a bar.

One sits down in a booth, the other goes up to the bar to order.

"Two beers thanks mate"

The bartender looked up and said, "Get real, you're just a piece of string, I'm not giving you anything!"

The other bit of string heard this and thought he'd give it a go, but the bartender once again refused.

"That's it", said the first bit of string.

"I'll show him."

With that the ruffled himself up all over, flattenedhimself out and tied himself in a knot. He went up to the bar and angrily said, "Look mate, give me two beers now!"

The bartender looked the bit of string up and down and said,

"Fraid not."

[RHR]

Got this from a "Friend"

Dear Civilian,

Your 5 year old kid getting pushed down by another 5 year old kid is NOT a police matter; talk to the other kid's parents, not the police.

If your kid won't do his homework or do his chores, 000 is not the answer.

If a cop causes a car accident we usually get a ticket, and sometimes we get suspended. When is the last time you got 3 days off (without pay) for rear-ending a guy atMcDonalds ?

We know you've had more than two beers. When I've had two beers, I didn't hit six parked cars, drive my car through the front doors of a Toys-R-Us, pee my pants or pass out at a traffic light.

When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its lights and sirens on, pull to the left, and stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the right.

When you're driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don't go 10 KM/H under the speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe a driver you can be, we're trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in the Corolla that just cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass please.

If we park our police car across the road with lights flashing, don't ask if the road is closed or if there is an accident, just take an alternate route and DON'T DRIVE AROUND US!

If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a Highway Patrol Officer, go buy a lottery ticket, because you've already beaten the odds.

When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop, or with a suspect in handcuffs, it is generally not a good idea to approach him and ask for directions. If you do, don't expect the officer to be nice when he tells you to get lost, and don't expect the officer to take the time to explain.

Here's how to get out of a ticket. Don't break the law.

If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you're getting pulled over.

In one week I pulled over 10 cars for minor traffic offences. 5 out of 10 had no vehicle registration. 3 out of 10 had disqualified licenses. 2 out of 10 had outstanding warrants. 1 was a known sex offender with his 12 year old niece in the car without her mother's knowledge.

If you've just been pulled over doing 100 in a 60, do not greet the officer with, "What seems to be the problem, officer?"

We get coffee breaks too.

When you're the victim of a break and enter, take the time you spend waiting for the officer to find the model number and the serial number of the stuff that was taken.

Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the fact that other cops don't like them either.

If it's night time and you're driving a vehicle with tinted windows and I pull you over, it's not because of your skin colour. I usually can't tell if the vehicle even has a driver until the window is rolled down.

Every time you hear on the news about people running away from a crazed gunman, someone's son or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that crazed gunman.

Yes, it's true, cops usually don't give other cops tickets. Think of it as an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other cops are family and you wouldn't give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either.

If your local police agency has a helicopter, everyone knows it's loud and annoying, but did you know it can cover the same area as 20 patrol officers and safely chase criminals that are driving 120 Km/h through city streets. Many times the guy has no idea it's there and slows down.

Police work is.... writing reports.

If you rob a petrol station you're only going to get about $100, but I get to see a K9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $100.

In one year of patrol work in Sydney , only about ten minutes would be cool enough to be on the television show Cops.

Every traffic stop could end could in death or serious injury, but we have to be polite and professional until that time.

I've taken about the same amount of men and women to jail for domestic violence, so NO, it's not always the man.

If the light was yellow, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops' salaries.

Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops' salaries so, hey, this traffic stop is on me.

Yes, we also know someone who's an uncle, brother, friend, etc in the police force.

Police Officers... our job is to protect your butt, not kiss it!

Thank You,

The Police