Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

Differences between Women and Men

1.NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call

each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to

each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a

$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything

smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on

sale.

4.BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,

razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A

man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5.ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7.FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8.SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9.MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10.DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12.OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about

dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret

fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two

people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a

word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them

wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband

asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[Dagabond]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[Dagabond]

A Lebanese arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says

"Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, and giving me

housing, money , free medical care and free education!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Russian ".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having

such a beautiful country here in Australia !"

The person says "I no Australian , I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,

shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia !"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not

an Australian !"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an

Australian?"

She says, "No, I am from New Zealand !"

So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"

The Kiwi lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says,"Probably at work!"

[Rob (F6)]

"Traffic incidents"

#1

Cop gets out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled

down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could..."

#2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that

reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of >him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips >and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of

gas."

[HellionXR6T]

How do these people survive? The sacry thing is that these events actually did happen.

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. We don't have half dozen nuggets“, said the teenager at the counter. “You don't? “ I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve“, was the reply. “So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six? “ “That's right“. So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers“ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider “, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is? “ I said to her “I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today”. “She said “OK,“ and I paid her for the things and left.

THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy. “

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help? “ I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this? “.

“Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked.

“No, just this remote thingy“, she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk. “

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do? “.

“Just use copier machine paper“, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank “copies”.

SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister“. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown? “

EIGHT

Police in Radnor, PA.,interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He's lying “ was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the lie detector was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid!

[tab]

Had a similar experience a while back

"Do you take American Express?"

"Umm no I don't think so, but I'm pretty sure we take Amex"

She was quite cute though, so that made it OK

[tford6]

Father O'Malley was getting things in order at his church in Belfast before going for a well earned holiday to the greek islands.

His replacement was Father O'Leary from Dublin.

On his arrival Father O'Malley gave him a small book and explained that it's used when people confess.

People tell their sins and in the book has a list of sins and the appropriate punishment for those sins.

If you have any trouble ask the altar boys,they are well versed in confession and very helpfull at times explained Father O'Malley.

This will help a great deal thought Father O'Leary.

Father O'Malley was having a ball on his holiday,

but Father O'Leary had a problem.

During confession a local lady confessed to having given her neighbor a blowjob.

Father O'Leary flicked through the book Father O'Malley had given him and their was no mention of blowjobs as a confession.

Not knowing what punishment was appropriate for such a deed,Father O'Leary approached the two altar boys playing on the church grounds and said

"excuse me boys,what does Father O'Malley give for a blowjob?"

One of the alter boys replied

"a packed of chips and a can of coke"

[stang]

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> To All My Friends Who Have Barraged Me With Those Countless

>> Informative E-mail's, Thought I Would Show My Appreciation With A Big Thanks !

>>

>> To Whoever Sent Me the One about Rat Poop in the Glue on Envelopes

>> because I Now Have To Use A Wet Towel with Every Envelope That Needs

>> Sealing.

>>

>> Also, I Now Have To Scrub the Top of Every Can I open For the Same

>> Reason.

>>

>> I No Longer Have Any Savings Because I Gave It To A Sick Girl (Penny

>> Brown)

>> Who Is About To Die In The Hospital For The 1,387,258th Time But That

>> Will Change Once I Receive The $15,000 That Bill Gates/Microsoft And

>> AOL Are Sending Me For Participating In Their Special E-mail Program.

>>

>> I No Longer Worry About My Soul Because I Have 363,214 Angels Looking

>> Out For Me, And St. Theresa's Novena Has Granted My Every Wish.

>>

>> I No Longer Eat KFC Because Their Chickens Are Actually Horrible

>> Mutant Freaks With No Eyes Or Feathers As Soon As I Get My Free

>> Dinner Coupons From MacDonald's, I Can Eat Again.

>>

>> I No Longer Use Cancer-Causing Deodorants Even Though I Smell Like A

>> Water Buffalo On A Hot Day.

>>

>> Thanks To You, I Have Learned That My Prayers Only Get Answered If I

>> Forward An Email To Seven Of My Friends And Make A Wish Within Five

>> Minutes.

>>

>> Because Of Your Concern I No Longer Drink Coca Cola Because It Can

>> Remove Toilet Stains.

>>

>> I No Longer Can Buy Petrol Without Taking A Man Along To Watch The

>> Car So A Serial Killer Won't Crawl In My Back Seat When I'm Pumping

>> Gas.

>>

>> I No Longer Drink Pepsi Or Dr. Pepper Since The People Who Make These

>> Products Are Atheists Who Refuse To Put "Under God" On Their Cans.

>>

>> I No Longer Use Saran Wrap In The Microwave Because It Causes Cancer.

>>

>> And Thanks For Letting Me Know I Can't Boil A Cup Water In The

>> Microwave Anymore Because It Will Blow Up In My Face..Disfiguring Me For Life.

>>

>> I No Longer Check The Coin Return On Pay Phones Because I Could Be

>> Pricked With A Needle Infected With Aids.

>>

>> I No Longer Go To Shopping Malls Because Someone Will Drug Me With a

>> Perfume Sample And Rob Me.

>>

>> I No Longer Receive Packages From UPS Or Fed x Since They Are

>> Actually Al Qaeda In Disguise.

>>

>> I No Longer Answer the Phone Because Someone Will Ask Me To Dial A

>> Number For Which I Will Get A Phone Bill Totaling $2,374.76 With

>> Calls To Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, And Uzbekistan.

>>

>> I No Longer Have Any Sneakers -- But That Will Change Once I Receive

>> My Free Replacement Pair From Nike.

>>

>> I No Longer Buy Expensive Cookies From David Jones Since I Now Have

>> Their Recipe.

>>

>> And Thanks To Your Great Advice, I Can't Ever Pick Up $5.00 Dropped

>> In The Parking Lot Because It Probably Was Placed There By A Sex

>> Molester Waiting Underneath My Car To Grab My Leg.

>>

>> Oh, And Don't Forget This One Either!

>> I Can No Longer Drive My Car Because I Can't Buy Gas From Certain Gas

>> Companies!

>>

>> Thanks To You, I Can't Use Anyone's Toilet But Mine Because A Big

>> Brown African Spider Is Lurking Under The Seat To Cause Me Instant

>> Death When It Bites My Ass.

>>

>> And Remember, If You Don't Send This E-mail To At Least 144,000

>> People In The Next 7 Minutes, A Large Dove With Diarrhea Will Land On

>> Your Head At 5:00 PM This Afternoon And The Fleas From 12 Camels Will

>> Infest Your Back, Causing You To Grow A Hairy Hump.

>>

>> I Know This Will Occur Because It Actually Happened To A Friend Of My

>> Next Door Neighbor's Ex-Mother-In-law's Second Husband's Cousin's

>> Beautician ...

>>

>> Thank you, and Have A Wonderful Day.... but most of all.. zzzzzzz--zz

>>

>>

>>

>> Oh! One Last Bit Of Noteworthy News:

>> South American Scientists from Argentina, after a Lengthy Study,

>> Discovered That People With Insufficient Brain And Sexual Activity;

>> Read Their E-mail With Their Hand On The Mouse.

[xr6turbs]

Got this in an email today... not sure if it has been posted.......

Man-Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

© After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed

and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend Out

of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off

limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is

forbidden. however complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another

man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly

optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the

birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

weakest

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask

the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're

sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and

only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to

kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies

until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as

much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must

remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of

pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking

about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,

except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting

weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

I.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other

situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you

need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer

than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.

Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"

have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and

guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the

discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for

her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,

orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for

Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an

Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's

Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next chunky!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man-Laws, Ltd

[RHR]

I think ill be wacking that one up on the fridge, or better framing it