Joke Of The Day

[phantomchic]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike

English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two

groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves

whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the

feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for

possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending

half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be

Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time

they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a

little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The Women Won!

[Dagabond]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave

at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place

where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're the

father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful

to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor

party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while

your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up

my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math

teacher."

[Dagabond]

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

[Dagabond]

Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.

"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.

"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."

"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

[phantomchic]

Subject: New classes

"CLASSES FOR MEN - AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER"

TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS.

Step by step, with slide presentation.

TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Round table discussion.

TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?

Group practice.

TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.

Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN

THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?

Examples on video.

TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR

SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

Helpline support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH

LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.

Open forum.

TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT

HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.

Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.

Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT WHILE

SHE PARALLEL PARKS.

Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.

Online class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.

Relaxation. Exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.

Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

[phantomchic]

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[phantomchic]

FW: The magic genie

the impossible wish !!

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets

along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the map again."

shazzy

[saleen]

A very loud, unattractive, overweight, hard-faced woman walks into

Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the

way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W. Nice

children you've got there -- are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course

they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they

look alike, ya dickead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone

would f*ck you twice!"

[tab]

You sure it wasn't woolies?

[HellionXR6T]

Thought it was kinda kool.

-------------------------

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

Attn: Entrepreneurs

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's

world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name

selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to

do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate)

companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly

didn't give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called 'Who Represents ' where you can find the name of the

agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name... wait for it...

is

www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange

advice and views at

www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at

www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company...

www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South

Wales:

www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always

www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church Their website is

www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their

whacky website:

www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at

www.gotahoe.com