Joke Of The Day

[Macktheknife]

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they

take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE

MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

←

[tommyd]

Hope this one hasn't been posted before...

A woman lay in a coma in the hospital while the nurses were in her room

giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a

response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and

explained what happened, telling him, crazy as this sounds, maybe a little

oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband, an Australian bloke, was of course very sceptical, but they

assured him that this could work and that they'd close the curtains for

privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heartrate..

The nurses rushed into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I don't know, I guess she choked."

[aniken]

Thank God for church ladies and their one finger touch typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: Laughter is therapeutic, go on and gawuff your self silly!

------------------------------------------------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.

Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"

Come early and listen to our choir practice.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to help cripple children.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.

They maybe seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.

Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.

All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.is done.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.

Please use the back door.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use large double door at the side entrance

[SHOCK]

Did you hear about the Irish League coach that come to Aus to recruit the prop that hit Jack Newton........

[Adam]

[aniken]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop!

I'm starting to suspect the worst...My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you.

[Dagabond]

"Who's On First" -- new version

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

[Dagabond]

WORKSHOP TOOLS

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the

chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against

that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint and rust off bolts and then throws them

somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes

fingerprints and hard-earned work calluses in about the time it takes

you to say, "$hit...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you burn the surrounding area.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is

available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to

the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various

flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting

the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

½ socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you

have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle

firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to try to lever a car upward

off a hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another

hydraulic floor jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters from the douglas fir 4X4.

"SNAP-ON" GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for

spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-poo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any

known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on

everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry-bar that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes

called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"

which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits

aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about

the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,

the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than

light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be

used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a

coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into

compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact

wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by

someone with an even bigger compressor and neatly rounds off their

heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays

is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts

not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well on contents such as seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector

magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which

somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every

deficiency in foresight.

I could probably be accused of 98% of the above at one time or another...

[AOK29]

WRX LOWERING KIT

[Dagabond]

Does the following apply to the NRL OR AFL?

36

have been accused of spousal abuse...

7

have been arrested for fraud....

19

have been accused of writing bad checks....

117

have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses...

3

have done time for assault....

71

repeat

71

cannot get a credit card due to bad credit.....

14

have been arrested on drug-related charges.....

8

have been arrested for shoplifting.....

21

currently are defendants in lawsuits, and

84

have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year....

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet? . . . Scroll down.....

Neither, it's the 535members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.