Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything

in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it

takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective

reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,

but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often

over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go

anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of

course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft,

squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting

hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old

lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the

weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much

over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have

around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd

be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a

man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he

doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he

keeps trying!

[Dagabond]

Loyalty between women:

A wife doesn't come home one night and only shows up in the morning, saying she spent the night

at a friend's house. The husband picks up the phone and calls up 10 of her best friends, no one knows

a thing about it.

Loyalty between men:

A husband doesn't come home one night and only shows up in the morning, saying he spent the night

at a friend's house. The wife picks up the phone and calls up 10 of his best mates. 8 confirm the story and

2 claim he is still asleep on their sofa.

[Cashie]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about

changing light bulbs.

Five to flame the spell checkers.

Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

Another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.

AND

One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated that they found at snopes.com<about:blank> and start it all over again!

[Paradoxx]

You forgot the 3 who post completely irrelevant responses just for their

[5INFUL]

My cats breath smells like fish :w00t:

[Macktheknife]

My cats breath smells like fish :w00t: 

Errrm....and you know this how?

[Paradoxx]

Just dont ask him what it's arse tastes like

[lodeogirl]

My cats breath smells like fish :w00t: 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Errrm....and you know this how?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Cause Ralph Wiggum told me

[gassit]

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real

distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.

The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. ! The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her

dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her a**e.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the

obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

 Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that

bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it"!

[EvilDaifu]

Hi cat and dog lovers,

Subject: Dogs and Cats

The Dog's diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favourite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!

The cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with

bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,

while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me

going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my

captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost

succeeded

- must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and

repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on

their favourite chair - must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt

to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear

in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good

little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in

solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and

smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was

due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and

how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The

dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is

obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an

informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my

every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety

is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.